Starting Over 10 Years Later

This morning I had a random thought of myself on a set 10 years ago. I had just found my footing among a group of production assistants and was finally starting to earn my keep at the bottom of the ladder. There was a moment, coiling cables for the electric department, when I suddenly felt happy and proud and content. I was learning and I was appreciated and I knew and was told I was doing a great job. A few months later I would be running a 10 million dollar show. I would have tripled my income. And I would continue to rise and make more money and have more and more success. But in that moment, on the side of that house for the show "Who Wants to Marry my Dad", I KNEW I was on the path. I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Exactly 10 years later, here I am at the bottom of a different ladder, making exactly the same salary as I was on that day on the side of that house coiling cable with the electrics. I'm at the beginning, but I know and am told consistently that I am doing a good job. I am building a resume and a body of work. Perhaps in a few months, I will have tripled my salary and made a significant career move, but this time, in a field I am passionate about. There will be even more room for growth and abundance this time, because it is a path paved in purpose and passion. I'm doing something I am innately good at and love doing instead of something I have fallen into by accident because of my ability to achieve.

Here I go, with the realization and the knowing from experience that it can happen. That things can change overnight and with one phone call or one email or one boss having a thought that leads to one decision. There is infinite potential in every single moment for abundance and for success.

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Finding Freedom

When we are committed up to our eyeballs and working long hours or seven days a week, the word freedom sounds like a punch-line to a poorly timed joke.  Most days, freedom, that celebrated feeling of having time and choices and the opportunity to be spontaneous seems like an antidote just out of reach.  But does it have to? 

Recently I was forced to take a step back and really look at the people and things I have been attaching myself and my happiness to.  I’ve latched on to certain things with a white knuckle grip and, ironically, the tighter I hold on, the more that grip seems to slip.  When it comes to people, if we hold on this way, it becomes inevitable that we will overwhelm them.  When we rest all of our happiness in one person, we become heavy to them and no matter how much they care about us, they will only be able to hold our weight for so long before the relationship crumbles.

For me personally, I had to take a breath and realize that this thick sludge of work and fear and transition was a choice.  I made it this heavy.  That meant, I could also choose freedom. 

We are our own captors.  There is no one out there working to put limitations on us or physically tying our hands behind our backs.  We do that all by ourselves.  We become what we show to others that we are and have the ability to show ourselves to others in so many ways. We are diverse, eclectic creatures who have the astounding ability to reinvent ourselves over and over and over again.

Buddha preached detachment.  He believed that attachment was the root of all suffering and that detachment meant freedom and peace.  It makes sense from this perspective, that the more we allow things, people, and circumstances to flow in and out of our lives instead of forcing them into place, the more room we create for spontaneity and freedom.

We choose how we let others affect us.  We choose to advance toward change and take risks to better our circumstances.  We choose to stay put in a set of old circumstances.  We are not victims, unless we are victims of our own shortsightedness.  We can choose to be happy and to let go of the baggage and the notions holding us back from the light.  OR we can choose to dwell in the past or in regret.  We can choose to hang out in the pain cave or we can choose to haul a lawn chair out into the sunlight.

Let it go.  Let yourself have the freedom to enjoy this moment and all the possibilities it holds.  Do something with it...or use it to regroup.  Use it to breathe one last breath of life into the sadness and then let it die.  Grow out of that depressed ground into something solid, strong, and free.

Settling In

The sun is shining this morning and I woke up in my own bed.  I can't imagine a better start to my day after spending three weeks in an empty apartment on an air mattress, walking a mile to work every day in the rain.  My bike is here, my bed is here, all my things (though not all in one piece) are here and the trauma caused by my movers yesterday is now in the past.  Most of my life is still in boxes and my apartment looks like a tornado came through, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel where I'm settled and back to some semblance of routine.

In retrospect, I can see it was part of the master plan that I have three weeks in my empty apartment to settle into a work schedule and be forced out and about making new friends.  If I had been able to come home after my long days of standing at Rite Aid or in the restaurant, I may have spent my evenings hibernating in my bed putting my feet up.  As it was, being "home" in an empty apartment, furnished only with an air mattress was just too depressing.  So I was at the cafe seeing new friends in the mornings an out at the pub having dinner and introducing myself around my little neighborhood (and signing karaoke at the American Legion) after work.  During that time, I met the people who comforted me yesterday after the aforementioned movers had gone...people I consider friends.

Now that I have a home full of my creature comforts (somewhere), I can get back to my normal cooking and writing schedule and the prospect of that feels really good.  Most importantly, my feet and legs have acclimated from a decade of desk jobs to standing for 8 hours a day and I'm ready to settle into my new jobs and my new life.

Catching Waves

No experience in my life has made me feel more alone than yesterday, when I opened the door to my new, empty apartment in a town where I know no one.  Fresh off the boat from LA, my first day in Seaside was surreal and filled with"what the hell am I doing?" moments.  Scarlett was freaked out (I found her wide-eyed, hiding in the loft on a shelf) and her discomfort added to my own.

I picked up a few creature comforts and smudged the new place with sage but, still feeling angsty, I went down to the water and watched the ocean for a while.  Tears welled as I announced my presence to her and told her about my hopes and dreams and asked that she watch over me and keep me safe and happy and inspired.  It's truly amazing the powerful affect the ocean and nature have on my psyche and emotional well being these days.  I walked away from my new view feeling connected and centered, having approached it anxious, lonely, and afraid.

This morning, I picked up a peppermint tea in an adorable cafe around the corner from my new apartment.  The girl behind the counter asked where I was visiting from and I told her I'd just moved in a couple blocks away and that I was from Los Angeles.  Everyone's eyes get wide when I tell them I've relocated from LA and they mumble something about culture shock.  I sat down to sip my tea and a couple with a baby next to me welcomed me to town.  Aurora and Lucas had moved from the Los Angeles area eight years before to an even smaller Oregon coastal town before moving here to Seaside two years ago.  Judging from their son Rorick's stature, maybe just before he was born.

"It was tough getting used to the idea that this is not like other coastal areas."  Aurora said with a smirk.

It was my turn to speak, but I wasn't sure what she meant by that.  Did she mean it was a terrible place to live?  Was she telling me I'd made a huge mistake?

Glancing out the window I said hopefully, "You mean the weather?"

"Yeah."  Lucas nodded.

I realized I had been holding my breath until he answered.  I let it go, relieved.  It's May and it was cold and drizzling outside.

"I don't mind this weather so much."  I replied.

I did wonder though, how long it will take me to miss the beating California sun.  I was wearing a heavy fleece and stocking cap.  Two days before I had worn sunscreen and a tank top.

I exchanged parting pleasantries with Lucas and Aurora and walked down to the water.  The rolling waves had made me feel so much better the evening prior and I needed to fill my happy tank before moving on to my day of errands.  As I walked along the water, the rain spit harder and harder.  Instead of racing home, I continued down the sand and then moved up to the boardwalk, sipping my mint tea and taking in my new surroundings.  The walk was cathartic and I felt as if the rain was at work cleansing me of the past.

My life in LA is feeling farther and farther away with each adjustment I make to small town beach life.  I feel inspired and, this morning, I actually did begin walking faster, though it wasn't to get out of the rain.  I was anxious to get home and catch a new wave of creativity.

Lost and Looking for Wisdom

I could feel the emotion welling up inside as I packed up the last of my condo for the movers who will arrive in the morning.  My first thought was, "it's about time".  I've been trying to tune into the emotional part of this process for days and, for whatever reason, haven't been able to access it.  Now, it was time to gently force the issue.

I put down the box and moved to the couch to let the tears stream down my face.  I took a couple of deep breaths, closed my eyes, and turned a question within.

"What's wrong?"

Silence.

I let the tears continue to roll, waiting patiently for the answer.  My inner knowing finally answered.

"I'm afraid."

I let the dialogue continue.

"What are you afraid of?"

Again, silence.

I coaxed my inner knowing into an answer by handing it a pen and paper.  She wrote:

"I'm afraid of being alone.  I'm afraid of leaving the safety of the place I know for the unknown.  I'm afraid of failure."

My inner wisdom began a furious scribble and replied with this:

"Do you realize what you've done, the risks you've taken, and the success you've had in your life?  You've succeeded in some of the most competitive markets in the world.  You have the capacity to not only succeed in this change, but to build something powerful and amazing.  You are leaving the safety of a place and a situation that has become too small for you.  You are not just going to succeed, you are going to thrive and grow and expand.  You are setting yourself up for the success of your lifetime.  You are creating room in your life for the things you've come to dream about.  You are enough.  You are more than enough.  You are love, hope, and passion.  You are ambition, talent, and creativity.  You're going to be great."

The tears streamed faster after that.  They were tears of relief and release in realizing my inner wisdom was right.  This move will change me.  It will catapult me into my purpose and give me room to grow into a person with the capacity for great things; successes I can't even fathom yet.

This dialogue helped me realize that we're all meant for greatness.  People in our lives or unfortunate circumstances can deter us from the path of finding our true selves and purpose, but we can always find a way back.  Our inner wisdom knows what this purpose is and that we are capable of achieving it.  We can hear it and access our own wisdom by giving it silence and stillness.  We must acknowledge this part of ourselves by asking the right questions when we feel lost and honor it by letting it answer.

Moving Day Cometh

I picked up the phone and started pulling triggers.  I signed the contract with the movers, locked in a date to pick up the keys, then bought a one way ticket for me and Scarlett, my opinionated ginger tabby.

"You're going to be a beach cat!"  I told her.

She squawked in opposition then turned and flipped me the tail on her way out to the patio.

I can't say I blame her.  Scarlett went through 2 moves during the year she lived with my mom in Kansas while I traveled around the world making TV shows.  She didn't like the idea of being a snow cat either and she doesn't like change.  She started acting nervous when the furniture started disappearing, and seems to be in a state of pre-trauma now that the boxes are piling up.  She hides under the bed when the tape dispenser starts screeching.

Moving sucks.  I want to hide under the bed too.  There is always so much more stuff than I anticipate.  I've already made 2 additional trips to the hardware store for boxes and it looks like I'll have to make yet another before the movers show up on Tuesday.  I really thought when I bought this place, that I'd have it indefinitely, maybe rent it out and make some money off of it once I got married or moved away.  I always knew Los Angeles wasn't my forever place, but I didn't think I'd be cutting tail 6 years in.  27 year old me was so naive.  33 year old me knows that life is unpredictable, much like the modern housing market.

I'm excited about the new landing spot, though.  It's a beautiful place I picked out on a map and, when I visited, found an immediate connection with it.  I'll be living three blocks from the sea in the Pacific Northwest in a little town called Seaside, population 6,500.  It couldn't be more different from LA, population gazillion, where community is a word you have to look up in the dictionary.

It occurred to me today, that I don't actually know how to be a member of a real community.  In fact, this morning I heard the new baby crying from the condo next door and realized I'd never even thought to bring them a casserole or offer any kind of help like a neighbor in a real community would do.  I wished the zombies congratulations when I saw them in the elevator a week ago, but aren't neighbors supposed to support one another and be the village it takes to help raise each other's kids?  Maybe if I had my own kids I'd have been more tuned in, but as it stands, I'm just another reason Los Angeles lacks a sense of community.

It will be interesting being a big city girl gone "new community member" in a small town.  During my most recent visit to find an apartment, I got back to the inn where I was staying and told Don, the old property manager,

"Don!  I found a place!"

"I heard!" he shouted back.

Wha...?  He heard?  I had put down the deposit two hours ago.  Maybe at 33 I'm still a bit naive.

The Plan

I decided to finally write about the details of The Plan.  I chose today because a stressed out, down in the dumps feeling met me at home after yoga this morning.  After spending some time with it (and feeding it), I realized it was here because of the pending move.  D-day is inching closer and closer and I'm feeling a little unsettled.  I'm hoping that writing about The Plan will chase away today's blues with a surge of motivation and excitement.

I'm leaving LA.  For good this time.  In December of 2011, after a month long, solo, soul-searching trip to Bali, I decided to uproot and move to New York.  I did it and it was wonderful.  I loved New York City and my nine months there were inspiring and interesting and NYC helped me recover from my break up with LA.  Then, an opportunity presented itself, and I left New York last August to travel around the world for a show I was working on.  I ended up back in SoCal after it was over in December.  That's when me and LA accidentally got back together.  Not on purpose and, not really to give it another try, but because it was easy and comfortable.  We just kind of, fell into the old routine.  In January, my tenants moved out of my condo and I moved back in.

As nice as it was being back in my own home, it didn't take long for me to come to the conclusion that enough was enough.  For months, I had been contemplating selling my place and decided now was the perfect time to move forward with the sale and break up with LA for real this time.  My time in New York, though I loved living there, made me realize that I needed to ease out of the TV industry and pursue my writing career full time if I wanted to be truly happy.  Sadly, happiness for me is giving up a 6 figure salary for that of a novice writer.  I don't know what a novice writer's salary is yet, because I haven't had any paying work.  Yet.  But I did get commissioned for my first real article and my deadline is Tuesday.  It is not six figures, but it's a start.  Unfortunately, this small salary, hopefully in my near future, means no more New York City.

That's the basic back-story (if you want the nitty gritty, go back for some of my older posts).  Now for The Plan.

In a few weeks, I will hire movers and have them schlep the belongings I haven't sold from Los Angeles to a little town in Oregon called Seaside.  I have rented an apartment three tiny blocks from a beautiful beach in a town of 6,500 people.  The air improves, the view improves, and the people are nicer.  Oh, and my monthly expenses decrease by at least $2,500 a month.  I will be living more life on less $$.  My life will be simple and centered around a real community for the first time in my adult life.  I will hold a minimum wage job and spend most of my time writing, clamming, riding my beach cruiser through town, and walking the beach.  I will have no car, no condo, no fancy dinner or drinks obligations, no friends, no family...New York was a dress rehearsal.  This is the real deal fresh start.  All the positive and scary things about a fresh start.

Moving to Seaside is a huge leap of faith.  I have faith in myself that I can make it as a writer and that Seaside will be the perfect venue for my new-found entrepreneurial spirit.  I have big plans for myself and, to be fair, they are not so much about the place.  It didn't matter where I chose to move, just that I picked a place with a low cost of living that was also inspiring and offered a sense of community.  I found Seaside on a map, bought a flight, rented a car, and found my new home.

This helped.  I'm back to feeling excited and inspired and anxious to spend thousands of dollars on movers to get home.

What's My Story?

Sometimes I'd like to flip to the last page of my book and know my story. I want to know that it all works out and that I find love and home and happiness and success.  I've relaxed into an enjoyment of the journey over the past year and I don't want to miss out on any part of my experience.  But it wouldn't hurt, during the tough times, to know that it all turns out ok...even awesome, in the end.  I want to know that, down the line, I'm settled past the transitions and the logistics into the awesome part.  It's all the living part, it's all the journey, it's all the learning.  But there are some things I know I want to experience that haven't happened yet and sometimes that period of questioning, of not knowing, and of making tough decisions is painful.  At those moments I just want to see through to the other side and know I'm making the right calls.

Human Thing

It's tough to prepare when I have no idea when or where the down days will hit.  The worst timing, is when they fall between the roller coaster high days, because then I'm completely blindsided.  Somehow, today turned into a particularly empty day.  My down spiral may have been set off by my guilty fall from the no-sugar wagon or by that damned depressing song that wormed its way into the iPod song shuffle.  Whatever it was, this sadness has been lingering all afternoon and each time I put down my highly distracting historical fiction novel, there it is again.  But sadness isn't the word; not really.  Loneliness?  Maybe.  Disconnected?  Yep,  there it is again.  That feeling of being so disconnected from the people in my life and from my life in this weird state of flux.  Initiating this life transition has been like melting a candle down to liquid and waiting for the wax to harden into a solid sense of form again so I can relight it.  That's where my life is; it's in a liquid state.

I know I keep coming back to this, but I know I'm doing the right thing.  I don't even question whether I'm on the right path.  The things I'm doing and the projects I'm undertaking are so fulfilling and make me so incredibly happy. I grow more comfortable with my choices every day.  I have moments when I'm elated at what I'm creating for myself and those moments lead to those roller coaster high days.  But I'm not in a solid state right now and when you try to light a candle in liquid form, it's going to overflow and fall apart.  That's what I did today, I fell apart a little.  And then I tried to put myself back together.  By myself.  With sugar.  No wonder it's not working!

The way I'm living while in transition, sequestered most days without much interaction, has left even me, someone quite adept at being a hermit, lonely.  Even when I'm around people lately I have a hard time really connecting and that's not like me.  I'm losing all sense of community and reverting back to the old me who had very few real connections with people.  Hopefully, now that I'm recognizing it I can do something about it.

Maybe today's breakdown was a test meant to make me realize that I do need people.  I've always had a lot of pride in my independence and self sufficiency and my ability to get through  most things without help.  Maybe this strong independence that I've always been so proud of and that has made me feel secure is being tested.  Maybe it's time I tried to let go of that.  Guess what?  Turns out, I need people.  There, I said it.  I need friendship and support and help.  I need someone to cry to and to tell when I'm scared and lost and confused and lonely.  It seems I've spent too much time alone lately and it may be time to seek out a sense of community.  Maybe it's time I simply started reaching out to my friends regularly and especially when I need to see a friendly face or have a connected conversation.  What a novel idea.  It's so....human.

Human Thing by The Be Good Tanyas.    Check it out.

The Path to Transformation

As published in the March 2013 issue of Soulwoman eMagazine, which can be found at:

www.soulwomansanctuary.com

It’s easy to talk about the positive aspects and outcomes of transformation.  It’s easy to look at the before and after pictures of our lives and recap for others what steps we took to get from point A to point B.  What is difficult to understand, especially while it’s happening in our own lives, is that although deeply gratifying, the path to transformation can be a long and arduous one.   Transforming, which, by definition means changing form, is painful and it’s easy to become lost, lonely, and afraid along the way. 

Whether you have chosen to take on a life altering transformation, experienced some catalyst that has landed you in the midst of it, or you are being led to contemplate the journey, my biggest advice is to tune into your heart.  Turn off the noise and fear being generated in your mind by the ego and close your eyes.  Focus regularly on your breath and on the peace and silence that lies within your heart.  The capacity of the heart far outweighs that of the ego.  You hold in your heart all the courage you need to move your life forward and listen to the quiet rumblings of your spirit.  Once you have awakened to the voice of your spirit, you will develop a natural desire to grow and expand.  You will begin to realize how unfulfilled you have become by the control, power, and material possessions that define our Western society’s idea of success.  Begin to answer the callings of the spirit by paying attention to the things and people in your life who allow you to be creative, vulnerable, compassionate, and embody the true essence of your being.  With this new perspective, acknowledge and accept the emotional attachments you hold to people and things in your past that you are ready to release and welcome new, more gratifying relationships and experiences into your future. 

With the realization that what you have in the present isn’t enough, comes the fun part of brainstorming and playing with ideas about what you do want in your life and where and how you want to do it.   Think Big.  Maybe you’re being called to move to a new city, try a new career, or kindle the flame of an artistic talent.  Maybe it means calling in a new system of spiritual support, developing deeper friendships, or pursuing a relationship with someone who sees and respects the authentic person you are becoming.  This fun and crucial part of the transformation process is about creating this ever-evolving vision that will become the reward for your efforts.   Transformation is about bringing change and renewal to your entire being and way of life and purposefully molding it into something more beautiful, fulfilling and honest.  This new vision for your life will be your constant motivation.  If you become uninspired by your vision at any point along the way, it’s okay, even important, to evolve that vision in to something even bigger, better, and more beautiful.

Now, from the safety of your caterpillar body, you can see in your mind’s vision the beautiful butterfly you were meant to become.  You see the potential that lies inside of you and are ready for the season of transformation it will take to get there.  You begin to build up the bravery and energy it will take to fuel this evolution and there is no denying the amount of dedicated work, effort, and courage it will take. 

This is when the real work begins.  Throughout the course of your life, you put down roots with every decision you make, with every relationship you engage in, and with every task you take on.  Transformation requires the laborious work of digging up these roots and making sure they are replanted in a way and in a place you really want to live.  During the process of uprooting, you will be severing ties that no longer serve you.  It will be difficult and emotional, but from it, you will gain freedom from a life that is suffocating your soul.  During your transformation, you are growing in your capacity for love and acceptance.  You are welcoming the adventure of new and exciting prospects that you have created room for and which will shape the beautiful being you are becoming.  Fortunately, along the way you will begin to build the muscles for this work and it will become easier to see clearly what you want to draw into your life.  With small successes, you will become even more motivated to find happiness and fulfillment.  Though you will still experience highs and lows, anxiety and fear, eventually you will become lighter and less attached to the previous state.  It will become easier to make new kinds of decisions, take new kinds of risks, and give yourself more time to gain new perspective through travel, conversation, and ideas. 

At some point, you will come to the realization that the things you’ve drawn into your life are things you can’t believe you ever lived without.  You’ll realize that in the past you were coasting along, just getting by in a world where existence was meant to be so much more. 

So during your season of transformation, when you are feeling lonely and confused or like a ship lost at sea, it’s important to dig deep and keep working to get yourself to the other shore.  There is no going back for there is no room in your previous existence for the expanded, enlightened being you have become.  When you are feeling anxious and afraid, tune into the heart’s peace and listen for the wisdom you need to continue along this new path.   Take time to reflect on how far you’ve come; from the old cave of despair and angst to an outlook of passion, excitement, and clarity at the future you are creating.

Sweet Peace

Today I stopped to smell the roses.  I went for a leisurely walk to the market to pick up some produce and saw that now all the flowers are blooming and the leaves are back on the trees.  The breeze is fragrant and there are bees everywhere.  I stopped every time I saw a pretty bunch of flowers or a rose bush hanging out into the sidewalk.  It made me realize how happy I am inside.  It made me realize how much work I've done uprooting and replanting to get where I am and how much I love the life I'm living.  I am completely free to put together a new vision for my life and to pursue my writing career every single day.  I ride my bike to and from yoga in the mornings and then I read and write all day long.  I'm still in a state of flux and transitioning to a different place, a different career, and into a different person really, but I've never been this happy in my life.

This sense of peace and happiness comes upon me suddenly and frequently lately and every time I sit and reflect on it with gratitude in my heart and a big grin on my face. I think about how proud of myself I am for taking the risk to begin this journey and stick with it when every thought from my ego said (and still says) it was unsafe and ridiculous.

I'm still at the beginning of this journey, though I think I've overcome a lot of the hardest obstacles over the last two years.  It's springtime and I like the idea of comparing life and my own season to spring and bloom and change and renewal.  I'd like my energy to grow with that of the sun on its way into summer and become stronger and stronger as I progress on this path.

A Home and a Life in Transition

I listened to a Deepak Chopra meditation today about how our outer worlds reflect our inner worlds. Looking around at my own outer world I had to laugh.  It's dead on.  It is a home in transition.  I am a woman in transition.  It is a perfect match.  Well said Deepak.

My artwork has all been taken off the walls, neatly packed, and is resting on the dining room table.  The curtain rods are leaning against the kitchen wall, their hardware in baggies taped to the sides.  The curtains themselves have been washed and folded and are also on the dining table waiting to be boxed up.  There are two big piles on the floor, one of things to give away and one of things to take with me.  There is a bookshelf disassembled on the floor in the living room waiting to be picked up and taken to its new home.  There are about 20 wine glasses on the counter from my 30th birthday party in wine country that, though sentimental, won't justify the real estate in the downsized cupboards of my future.

Looking around my home today, I realized I'm not sad or scared anymore.  The grace and ease of this transition have replaced the fear and sadness with a sense of calm, peace, and  patience.  As soon as the timing is right I'll be free to move on from here and onto a simpler life with less stuff and fewer ties.

Yes, I am a woman in transition and this is a home in transition.  It's not clutter, it's not chaos, it's simply me and my home transitioning; me to a new home and it toward a new occupant.  My mind is clear, my intentions are set, and with each piece of furniture I sell I feel better, lighter, freer.  It's thrilling really.  It means I'm getting closer and closer to my new life and to new experiences.  I'm coming to the end of one chapter and anxiously anticipating the next.