Starting Over 10 Years Later

This morning I had a random thought of myself on a set 10 years ago. I had just found my footing among a group of production assistants and was finally starting to earn my keep at the bottom of the ladder. There was a moment, coiling cables for the electric department, when I suddenly felt happy and proud and content. I was learning and I was appreciated and I knew and was told I was doing a great job. A few months later I would be running a 10 million dollar show. I would have tripled my income. And I would continue to rise and make more money and have more and more success. But in that moment, on the side of that house for the show "Who Wants to Marry my Dad", I KNEW I was on the path. I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Exactly 10 years later, here I am at the bottom of a different ladder, making exactly the same salary as I was on that day on the side of that house coiling cable with the electrics. I'm at the beginning, but I know and am told consistently that I am doing a good job. I am building a resume and a body of work. Perhaps in a few months, I will have tripled my salary and made a significant career move, but this time, in a field I am passionate about. There will be even more room for growth and abundance this time, because it is a path paved in purpose and passion. I'm doing something I am innately good at and love doing instead of something I have fallen into by accident because of my ability to achieve.

Here I go, with the realization and the knowing from experience that it can happen. That things can change overnight and with one phone call or one email or one boss having a thought that leads to one decision. There is infinite potential in every single moment for abundance and for success.

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Dealing With Doubt

It's rare that I feel fear.  I've always been a person to kind of, work backwards.  I pick a goal or make a decision and commit to it, usually before I take time to analyze the logistics.  Pardon the cliche, but acting in this way is like taking a leap of faith.  It doesn't matter how big or grand or important your ideas are, if you never act on them or put them into motion, they remain nothing more than great ideas.  And are we ever really ready to jump into the unknown?  You can stand at the end of a diving board for 3 days, or you can just jump.  The longer you stand there analyzing the act, the more time fear has to build and the more opportunity your ego has to talk you right back down the ladder.

But isn't that what we're taught as spiritual seekers?  To set our intentions with the universe and let a higher power figure out the when and the how?  Sometimes when I talk to others about my plans or what I'm trying to do with my life, I am met with skepticism.  I'm met with doubt and I want to shake them and say...."do you see what I've done?! Do you know me at all?  How can you be doubting me?"  Unfortunately, no matter how much confidence I have in myself, after conversations like this I'm left with their contagious sense of doubt.  It takes me days sometimes to come back to my center of confidence, put the doubt and fear down, and get on with it.

There is a lot I want out of this life.  There is so much I want to do and contribute and learn.  In order to grow we need to challenge ourselves and take risks...even fail.  Don't let anyone snuff the spark of a crazy new idea or an ambitious or lofty goal.  Take their concern, evaluate it, and if it goes against your own inner knowing, simply let it go.  It's hard.  We're always looking for validation, support, and praise from others.  Dealing with the doubt and skepticism we receive instead feels bad.  For me, I just try to remember that that fear they're expressing belongs to them.  It's not mine.  It's not even about me.  The truth is, they just can't see themselves on my path, and that's ok.  This is my path, my progress, and my potential for great success.  

What's My Story?

Sometimes I'd like to flip to the last page of my book and know my story. I want to know that it all works out and that I find love and home and happiness and success.  I've relaxed into an enjoyment of the journey over the past year and I don't want to miss out on any part of my experience.  But it wouldn't hurt, during the tough times, to know that it all turns out ok...even awesome, in the end.  I want to know that, down the line, I'm settled past the transitions and the logistics into the awesome part.  It's all the living part, it's all the journey, it's all the learning.  But there are some things I know I want to experience that haven't happened yet and sometimes that period of questioning, of not knowing, and of making tough decisions is painful.  At those moments I just want to see through to the other side and know I'm making the right calls.