Starting Over 10 Years Later

This morning I had a random thought of myself on a set 10 years ago. I had just found my footing among a group of production assistants and was finally starting to earn my keep at the bottom of the ladder. There was a moment, coiling cables for the electric department, when I suddenly felt happy and proud and content. I was learning and I was appreciated and I knew and was told I was doing a great job. A few months later I would be running a 10 million dollar show. I would have tripled my income. And I would continue to rise and make more money and have more and more success. But in that moment, on the side of that house for the show "Who Wants to Marry my Dad", I KNEW I was on the path. I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Exactly 10 years later, here I am at the bottom of a different ladder, making exactly the same salary as I was on that day on the side of that house coiling cable with the electrics. I'm at the beginning, but I know and am told consistently that I am doing a good job. I am building a resume and a body of work. Perhaps in a few months, I will have tripled my salary and made a significant career move, but this time, in a field I am passionate about. There will be even more room for growth and abundance this time, because it is a path paved in purpose and passion. I'm doing something I am innately good at and love doing instead of something I have fallen into by accident because of my ability to achieve.

Here I go, with the realization and the knowing from experience that it can happen. That things can change overnight and with one phone call or one email or one boss having a thought that leads to one decision. There is infinite potential in every single moment for abundance and for success.

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Building My Foundation

It's adversity, obstacles, and challenges that help us discover what we're made of.  Some of us need to challenge ourselves hard to get close enough to touch that inner essence of who we are.  I'm one of those people and the challenge I've set for myself here has brought me closer that I've ever been.  The emotion that comes up for me regularly these days, is a result of being so tuned in, so close to that raw center of self.  Nothing I've ever done has challenged me in this way and it's so important, crucial even, that I don't contract away in fear from the temporary pain of transition.

I'm building a foundation here.  Too many times I have moved into a center that didn't quite fit.  Either the place or the setting or the experience wasn't right.  This time I am building the experience from the roots, exactly as I want it to be.  It's back breaking work, but in the end I will be able to wipe away the blood, sweat, and tears and admire the stuff I'm made of and the dream life I've created.  It will have been built by me, for me, with purpose and passion.  Wherever I live after this home within me has been built, will be my true home and I can live in it wherever I choose.

I must remind myself in my weakest moments, that I am strong and supported, determined and capable.  This is my choice.  This is my calling.

Lost and Looking for Wisdom

I could feel the emotion welling up inside as I packed up the last of my condo for the movers who will arrive in the morning.  My first thought was, "it's about time".  I've been trying to tune into the emotional part of this process for days and, for whatever reason, haven't been able to access it.  Now, it was time to gently force the issue.

I put down the box and moved to the couch to let the tears stream down my face.  I took a couple of deep breaths, closed my eyes, and turned a question within.

"What's wrong?"

Silence.

I let the tears continue to roll, waiting patiently for the answer.  My inner knowing finally answered.

"I'm afraid."

I let the dialogue continue.

"What are you afraid of?"

Again, silence.

I coaxed my inner knowing into an answer by handing it a pen and paper.  She wrote:

"I'm afraid of being alone.  I'm afraid of leaving the safety of the place I know for the unknown.  I'm afraid of failure."

My inner wisdom began a furious scribble and replied with this:

"Do you realize what you've done, the risks you've taken, and the success you've had in your life?  You've succeeded in some of the most competitive markets in the world.  You have the capacity to not only succeed in this change, but to build something powerful and amazing.  You are leaving the safety of a place and a situation that has become too small for you.  You are not just going to succeed, you are going to thrive and grow and expand.  You are setting yourself up for the success of your lifetime.  You are creating room in your life for the things you've come to dream about.  You are enough.  You are more than enough.  You are love, hope, and passion.  You are ambition, talent, and creativity.  You're going to be great."

The tears streamed faster after that.  They were tears of relief and release in realizing my inner wisdom was right.  This move will change me.  It will catapult me into my purpose and give me room to grow into a person with the capacity for great things; successes I can't even fathom yet.

This dialogue helped me realize that we're all meant for greatness.  People in our lives or unfortunate circumstances can deter us from the path of finding our true selves and purpose, but we can always find a way back.  Our inner wisdom knows what this purpose is and that we are capable of achieving it.  We can hear it and access our own wisdom by giving it silence and stillness.  We must acknowledge this part of ourselves by asking the right questions when we feel lost and honor it by letting it answer.

The Path to Transformation

As published in the March 2013 issue of Soulwoman eMagazine, which can be found at:

www.soulwomansanctuary.com

It’s easy to talk about the positive aspects and outcomes of transformation.  It’s easy to look at the before and after pictures of our lives and recap for others what steps we took to get from point A to point B.  What is difficult to understand, especially while it’s happening in our own lives, is that although deeply gratifying, the path to transformation can be a long and arduous one.   Transforming, which, by definition means changing form, is painful and it’s easy to become lost, lonely, and afraid along the way. 

Whether you have chosen to take on a life altering transformation, experienced some catalyst that has landed you in the midst of it, or you are being led to contemplate the journey, my biggest advice is to tune into your heart.  Turn off the noise and fear being generated in your mind by the ego and close your eyes.  Focus regularly on your breath and on the peace and silence that lies within your heart.  The capacity of the heart far outweighs that of the ego.  You hold in your heart all the courage you need to move your life forward and listen to the quiet rumblings of your spirit.  Once you have awakened to the voice of your spirit, you will develop a natural desire to grow and expand.  You will begin to realize how unfulfilled you have become by the control, power, and material possessions that define our Western society’s idea of success.  Begin to answer the callings of the spirit by paying attention to the things and people in your life who allow you to be creative, vulnerable, compassionate, and embody the true essence of your being.  With this new perspective, acknowledge and accept the emotional attachments you hold to people and things in your past that you are ready to release and welcome new, more gratifying relationships and experiences into your future. 

With the realization that what you have in the present isn’t enough, comes the fun part of brainstorming and playing with ideas about what you do want in your life and where and how you want to do it.   Think Big.  Maybe you’re being called to move to a new city, try a new career, or kindle the flame of an artistic talent.  Maybe it means calling in a new system of spiritual support, developing deeper friendships, or pursuing a relationship with someone who sees and respects the authentic person you are becoming.  This fun and crucial part of the transformation process is about creating this ever-evolving vision that will become the reward for your efforts.   Transformation is about bringing change and renewal to your entire being and way of life and purposefully molding it into something more beautiful, fulfilling and honest.  This new vision for your life will be your constant motivation.  If you become uninspired by your vision at any point along the way, it’s okay, even important, to evolve that vision in to something even bigger, better, and more beautiful.

Now, from the safety of your caterpillar body, you can see in your mind’s vision the beautiful butterfly you were meant to become.  You see the potential that lies inside of you and are ready for the season of transformation it will take to get there.  You begin to build up the bravery and energy it will take to fuel this evolution and there is no denying the amount of dedicated work, effort, and courage it will take. 

This is when the real work begins.  Throughout the course of your life, you put down roots with every decision you make, with every relationship you engage in, and with every task you take on.  Transformation requires the laborious work of digging up these roots and making sure they are replanted in a way and in a place you really want to live.  During the process of uprooting, you will be severing ties that no longer serve you.  It will be difficult and emotional, but from it, you will gain freedom from a life that is suffocating your soul.  During your transformation, you are growing in your capacity for love and acceptance.  You are welcoming the adventure of new and exciting prospects that you have created room for and which will shape the beautiful being you are becoming.  Fortunately, along the way you will begin to build the muscles for this work and it will become easier to see clearly what you want to draw into your life.  With small successes, you will become even more motivated to find happiness and fulfillment.  Though you will still experience highs and lows, anxiety and fear, eventually you will become lighter and less attached to the previous state.  It will become easier to make new kinds of decisions, take new kinds of risks, and give yourself more time to gain new perspective through travel, conversation, and ideas. 

At some point, you will come to the realization that the things you’ve drawn into your life are things you can’t believe you ever lived without.  You’ll realize that in the past you were coasting along, just getting by in a world where existence was meant to be so much more. 

So during your season of transformation, when you are feeling lonely and confused or like a ship lost at sea, it’s important to dig deep and keep working to get yourself to the other shore.  There is no going back for there is no room in your previous existence for the expanded, enlightened being you have become.  When you are feeling anxious and afraid, tune into the heart’s peace and listen for the wisdom you need to continue along this new path.   Take time to reflect on how far you’ve come; from the old cave of despair and angst to an outlook of passion, excitement, and clarity at the future you are creating.