Lost and Looking for Wisdom

I could feel the emotion welling up inside as I packed up the last of my condo for the movers who will arrive in the morning.  My first thought was, "it's about time".  I've been trying to tune into the emotional part of this process for days and, for whatever reason, haven't been able to access it.  Now, it was time to gently force the issue.

I put down the box and moved to the couch to let the tears stream down my face.  I took a couple of deep breaths, closed my eyes, and turned a question within.

"What's wrong?"

Silence.

I let the tears continue to roll, waiting patiently for the answer.  My inner knowing finally answered.

"I'm afraid."

I let the dialogue continue.

"What are you afraid of?"

Again, silence.

I coaxed my inner knowing into an answer by handing it a pen and paper.  She wrote:

"I'm afraid of being alone.  I'm afraid of leaving the safety of the place I know for the unknown.  I'm afraid of failure."

My inner wisdom began a furious scribble and replied with this:

"Do you realize what you've done, the risks you've taken, and the success you've had in your life?  You've succeeded in some of the most competitive markets in the world.  You have the capacity to not only succeed in this change, but to build something powerful and amazing.  You are leaving the safety of a place and a situation that has become too small for you.  You are not just going to succeed, you are going to thrive and grow and expand.  You are setting yourself up for the success of your lifetime.  You are creating room in your life for the things you've come to dream about.  You are enough.  You are more than enough.  You are love, hope, and passion.  You are ambition, talent, and creativity.  You're going to be great."

The tears streamed faster after that.  They were tears of relief and release in realizing my inner wisdom was right.  This move will change me.  It will catapult me into my purpose and give me room to grow into a person with the capacity for great things; successes I can't even fathom yet.

This dialogue helped me realize that we're all meant for greatness.  People in our lives or unfortunate circumstances can deter us from the path of finding our true selves and purpose, but we can always find a way back.  Our inner wisdom knows what this purpose is and that we are capable of achieving it.  We can hear it and access our own wisdom by giving it silence and stillness.  We must acknowledge this part of ourselves by asking the right questions when we feel lost and honor it by letting it answer.

The Plan

I decided to finally write about the details of The Plan.  I chose today because a stressed out, down in the dumps feeling met me at home after yoga this morning.  After spending some time with it (and feeding it), I realized it was here because of the pending move.  D-day is inching closer and closer and I'm feeling a little unsettled.  I'm hoping that writing about The Plan will chase away today's blues with a surge of motivation and excitement.

I'm leaving LA.  For good this time.  In December of 2011, after a month long, solo, soul-searching trip to Bali, I decided to uproot and move to New York.  I did it and it was wonderful.  I loved New York City and my nine months there were inspiring and interesting and NYC helped me recover from my break up with LA.  Then, an opportunity presented itself, and I left New York last August to travel around the world for a show I was working on.  I ended up back in SoCal after it was over in December.  That's when me and LA accidentally got back together.  Not on purpose and, not really to give it another try, but because it was easy and comfortable.  We just kind of, fell into the old routine.  In January, my tenants moved out of my condo and I moved back in.

As nice as it was being back in my own home, it didn't take long for me to come to the conclusion that enough was enough.  For months, I had been contemplating selling my place and decided now was the perfect time to move forward with the sale and break up with LA for real this time.  My time in New York, though I loved living there, made me realize that I needed to ease out of the TV industry and pursue my writing career full time if I wanted to be truly happy.  Sadly, happiness for me is giving up a 6 figure salary for that of a novice writer.  I don't know what a novice writer's salary is yet, because I haven't had any paying work.  Yet.  But I did get commissioned for my first real article and my deadline is Tuesday.  It is not six figures, but it's a start.  Unfortunately, this small salary, hopefully in my near future, means no more New York City.

That's the basic back-story (if you want the nitty gritty, go back for some of my older posts).  Now for The Plan.

In a few weeks, I will hire movers and have them schlep the belongings I haven't sold from Los Angeles to a little town in Oregon called Seaside.  I have rented an apartment three tiny blocks from a beautiful beach in a town of 6,500 people.  The air improves, the view improves, and the people are nicer.  Oh, and my monthly expenses decrease by at least $2,500 a month.  I will be living more life on less $$.  My life will be simple and centered around a real community for the first time in my adult life.  I will hold a minimum wage job and spend most of my time writing, clamming, riding my beach cruiser through town, and walking the beach.  I will have no car, no condo, no fancy dinner or drinks obligations, no friends, no family...New York was a dress rehearsal.  This is the real deal fresh start.  All the positive and scary things about a fresh start.

Moving to Seaside is a huge leap of faith.  I have faith in myself that I can make it as a writer and that Seaside will be the perfect venue for my new-found entrepreneurial spirit.  I have big plans for myself and, to be fair, they are not so much about the place.  It didn't matter where I chose to move, just that I picked a place with a low cost of living that was also inspiring and offered a sense of community.  I found Seaside on a map, bought a flight, rented a car, and found my new home.

This helped.  I'm back to feeling excited and inspired and anxious to spend thousands of dollars on movers to get home.

Human Thing

It's tough to prepare when I have no idea when or where the down days will hit.  The worst timing, is when they fall between the roller coaster high days, because then I'm completely blindsided.  Somehow, today turned into a particularly empty day.  My down spiral may have been set off by my guilty fall from the no-sugar wagon or by that damned depressing song that wormed its way into the iPod song shuffle.  Whatever it was, this sadness has been lingering all afternoon and each time I put down my highly distracting historical fiction novel, there it is again.  But sadness isn't the word; not really.  Loneliness?  Maybe.  Disconnected?  Yep,  there it is again.  That feeling of being so disconnected from the people in my life and from my life in this weird state of flux.  Initiating this life transition has been like melting a candle down to liquid and waiting for the wax to harden into a solid sense of form again so I can relight it.  That's where my life is; it's in a liquid state.

I know I keep coming back to this, but I know I'm doing the right thing.  I don't even question whether I'm on the right path.  The things I'm doing and the projects I'm undertaking are so fulfilling and make me so incredibly happy. I grow more comfortable with my choices every day.  I have moments when I'm elated at what I'm creating for myself and those moments lead to those roller coaster high days.  But I'm not in a solid state right now and when you try to light a candle in liquid form, it's going to overflow and fall apart.  That's what I did today, I fell apart a little.  And then I tried to put myself back together.  By myself.  With sugar.  No wonder it's not working!

The way I'm living while in transition, sequestered most days without much interaction, has left even me, someone quite adept at being a hermit, lonely.  Even when I'm around people lately I have a hard time really connecting and that's not like me.  I'm losing all sense of community and reverting back to the old me who had very few real connections with people.  Hopefully, now that I'm recognizing it I can do something about it.

Maybe today's breakdown was a test meant to make me realize that I do need people.  I've always had a lot of pride in my independence and self sufficiency and my ability to get through  most things without help.  Maybe this strong independence that I've always been so proud of and that has made me feel secure is being tested.  Maybe it's time I tried to let go of that.  Guess what?  Turns out, I need people.  There, I said it.  I need friendship and support and help.  I need someone to cry to and to tell when I'm scared and lost and confused and lonely.  It seems I've spent too much time alone lately and it may be time to seek out a sense of community.  Maybe it's time I simply started reaching out to my friends regularly and especially when I need to see a friendly face or have a connected conversation.  What a novel idea.  It's so....human.

Human Thing by The Be Good Tanyas.    Check it out.

The Path to Transformation

As published in the March 2013 issue of Soulwoman eMagazine, which can be found at:

www.soulwomansanctuary.com

It’s easy to talk about the positive aspects and outcomes of transformation.  It’s easy to look at the before and after pictures of our lives and recap for others what steps we took to get from point A to point B.  What is difficult to understand, especially while it’s happening in our own lives, is that although deeply gratifying, the path to transformation can be a long and arduous one.   Transforming, which, by definition means changing form, is painful and it’s easy to become lost, lonely, and afraid along the way. 

Whether you have chosen to take on a life altering transformation, experienced some catalyst that has landed you in the midst of it, or you are being led to contemplate the journey, my biggest advice is to tune into your heart.  Turn off the noise and fear being generated in your mind by the ego and close your eyes.  Focus regularly on your breath and on the peace and silence that lies within your heart.  The capacity of the heart far outweighs that of the ego.  You hold in your heart all the courage you need to move your life forward and listen to the quiet rumblings of your spirit.  Once you have awakened to the voice of your spirit, you will develop a natural desire to grow and expand.  You will begin to realize how unfulfilled you have become by the control, power, and material possessions that define our Western society’s idea of success.  Begin to answer the callings of the spirit by paying attention to the things and people in your life who allow you to be creative, vulnerable, compassionate, and embody the true essence of your being.  With this new perspective, acknowledge and accept the emotional attachments you hold to people and things in your past that you are ready to release and welcome new, more gratifying relationships and experiences into your future. 

With the realization that what you have in the present isn’t enough, comes the fun part of brainstorming and playing with ideas about what you do want in your life and where and how you want to do it.   Think Big.  Maybe you’re being called to move to a new city, try a new career, or kindle the flame of an artistic talent.  Maybe it means calling in a new system of spiritual support, developing deeper friendships, or pursuing a relationship with someone who sees and respects the authentic person you are becoming.  This fun and crucial part of the transformation process is about creating this ever-evolving vision that will become the reward for your efforts.   Transformation is about bringing change and renewal to your entire being and way of life and purposefully molding it into something more beautiful, fulfilling and honest.  This new vision for your life will be your constant motivation.  If you become uninspired by your vision at any point along the way, it’s okay, even important, to evolve that vision in to something even bigger, better, and more beautiful.

Now, from the safety of your caterpillar body, you can see in your mind’s vision the beautiful butterfly you were meant to become.  You see the potential that lies inside of you and are ready for the season of transformation it will take to get there.  You begin to build up the bravery and energy it will take to fuel this evolution and there is no denying the amount of dedicated work, effort, and courage it will take. 

This is when the real work begins.  Throughout the course of your life, you put down roots with every decision you make, with every relationship you engage in, and with every task you take on.  Transformation requires the laborious work of digging up these roots and making sure they are replanted in a way and in a place you really want to live.  During the process of uprooting, you will be severing ties that no longer serve you.  It will be difficult and emotional, but from it, you will gain freedom from a life that is suffocating your soul.  During your transformation, you are growing in your capacity for love and acceptance.  You are welcoming the adventure of new and exciting prospects that you have created room for and which will shape the beautiful being you are becoming.  Fortunately, along the way you will begin to build the muscles for this work and it will become easier to see clearly what you want to draw into your life.  With small successes, you will become even more motivated to find happiness and fulfillment.  Though you will still experience highs and lows, anxiety and fear, eventually you will become lighter and less attached to the previous state.  It will become easier to make new kinds of decisions, take new kinds of risks, and give yourself more time to gain new perspective through travel, conversation, and ideas. 

At some point, you will come to the realization that the things you’ve drawn into your life are things you can’t believe you ever lived without.  You’ll realize that in the past you were coasting along, just getting by in a world where existence was meant to be so much more. 

So during your season of transformation, when you are feeling lonely and confused or like a ship lost at sea, it’s important to dig deep and keep working to get yourself to the other shore.  There is no going back for there is no room in your previous existence for the expanded, enlightened being you have become.  When you are feeling anxious and afraid, tune into the heart’s peace and listen for the wisdom you need to continue along this new path.   Take time to reflect on how far you’ve come; from the old cave of despair and angst to an outlook of passion, excitement, and clarity at the future you are creating.

A Home and a Life in Transition

I listened to a Deepak Chopra meditation today about how our outer worlds reflect our inner worlds. Looking around at my own outer world I had to laugh.  It's dead on.  It is a home in transition.  I am a woman in transition.  It is a perfect match.  Well said Deepak.

My artwork has all been taken off the walls, neatly packed, and is resting on the dining room table.  The curtain rods are leaning against the kitchen wall, their hardware in baggies taped to the sides.  The curtains themselves have been washed and folded and are also on the dining table waiting to be boxed up.  There are two big piles on the floor, one of things to give away and one of things to take with me.  There is a bookshelf disassembled on the floor in the living room waiting to be picked up and taken to its new home.  There are about 20 wine glasses on the counter from my 30th birthday party in wine country that, though sentimental, won't justify the real estate in the downsized cupboards of my future.

Looking around my home today, I realized I'm not sad or scared anymore.  The grace and ease of this transition have replaced the fear and sadness with a sense of calm, peace, and  patience.  As soon as the timing is right I'll be free to move on from here and onto a simpler life with less stuff and fewer ties.

Yes, I am a woman in transition and this is a home in transition.  It's not clutter, it's not chaos, it's simply me and my home transitioning; me to a new home and it toward a new occupant.  My mind is clear, my intentions are set, and with each piece of furniture I sell I feel better, lighter, freer.  It's thrilling really.  It means I'm getting closer and closer to my new life and to new experiences.  I'm coming to the end of one chapter and anxiously anticipating the next.