Dealing With Doubt

It's rare that I feel fear.  I've always been a person to kind of, work backwards.  I pick a goal or make a decision and commit to it, usually before I take time to analyze the logistics.  Pardon the cliche, but acting in this way is like taking a leap of faith.  It doesn't matter how big or grand or important your ideas are, if you never act on them or put them into motion, they remain nothing more than great ideas.  And are we ever really ready to jump into the unknown?  You can stand at the end of a diving board for 3 days, or you can just jump.  The longer you stand there analyzing the act, the more time fear has to build and the more opportunity your ego has to talk you right back down the ladder.

But isn't that what we're taught as spiritual seekers?  To set our intentions with the universe and let a higher power figure out the when and the how?  Sometimes when I talk to others about my plans or what I'm trying to do with my life, I am met with skepticism.  I'm met with doubt and I want to shake them and say...."do you see what I've done?! Do you know me at all?  How can you be doubting me?"  Unfortunately, no matter how much confidence I have in myself, after conversations like this I'm left with their contagious sense of doubt.  It takes me days sometimes to come back to my center of confidence, put the doubt and fear down, and get on with it.

There is a lot I want out of this life.  There is so much I want to do and contribute and learn.  In order to grow we need to challenge ourselves and take risks...even fail.  Don't let anyone snuff the spark of a crazy new idea or an ambitious or lofty goal.  Take their concern, evaluate it, and if it goes against your own inner knowing, simply let it go.  It's hard.  We're always looking for validation, support, and praise from others.  Dealing with the doubt and skepticism we receive instead feels bad.  For me, I just try to remember that that fear they're expressing belongs to them.  It's not mine.  It's not even about me.  The truth is, they just can't see themselves on my path, and that's ok.  This is my path, my progress, and my potential for great success.  

Human Thing

It's tough to prepare when I have no idea when or where the down days will hit.  The worst timing, is when they fall between the roller coaster high days, because then I'm completely blindsided.  Somehow, today turned into a particularly empty day.  My down spiral may have been set off by my guilty fall from the no-sugar wagon or by that damned depressing song that wormed its way into the iPod song shuffle.  Whatever it was, this sadness has been lingering all afternoon and each time I put down my highly distracting historical fiction novel, there it is again.  But sadness isn't the word; not really.  Loneliness?  Maybe.  Disconnected?  Yep,  there it is again.  That feeling of being so disconnected from the people in my life and from my life in this weird state of flux.  Initiating this life transition has been like melting a candle down to liquid and waiting for the wax to harden into a solid sense of form again so I can relight it.  That's where my life is; it's in a liquid state.

I know I keep coming back to this, but I know I'm doing the right thing.  I don't even question whether I'm on the right path.  The things I'm doing and the projects I'm undertaking are so fulfilling and make me so incredibly happy. I grow more comfortable with my choices every day.  I have moments when I'm elated at what I'm creating for myself and those moments lead to those roller coaster high days.  But I'm not in a solid state right now and when you try to light a candle in liquid form, it's going to overflow and fall apart.  That's what I did today, I fell apart a little.  And then I tried to put myself back together.  By myself.  With sugar.  No wonder it's not working!

The way I'm living while in transition, sequestered most days without much interaction, has left even me, someone quite adept at being a hermit, lonely.  Even when I'm around people lately I have a hard time really connecting and that's not like me.  I'm losing all sense of community and reverting back to the old me who had very few real connections with people.  Hopefully, now that I'm recognizing it I can do something about it.

Maybe today's breakdown was a test meant to make me realize that I do need people.  I've always had a lot of pride in my independence and self sufficiency and my ability to get through  most things without help.  Maybe this strong independence that I've always been so proud of and that has made me feel secure is being tested.  Maybe it's time I tried to let go of that.  Guess what?  Turns out, I need people.  There, I said it.  I need friendship and support and help.  I need someone to cry to and to tell when I'm scared and lost and confused and lonely.  It seems I've spent too much time alone lately and it may be time to seek out a sense of community.  Maybe it's time I simply started reaching out to my friends regularly and especially when I need to see a friendly face or have a connected conversation.  What a novel idea.  It's so....human.

Human Thing by The Be Good Tanyas.    Check it out.