My Big Thanksgiving Get

I performed my sun salutations this Thanksgiving morning to a radiant sun beaming in through the skylights in my loft. My loft is a space I have designated for my writing and yoga and I adore that room. I had a beautiful two hour yoga practice, worked on my business plan, did some writing and then went for a walk on the beach. The wild winter waves came to my feet and I breathed the cool air deep into my lungs. It was early and my holiday, in this moment and the ones since I'd woken up, was all about me. I felt nothing but gratitude and freedom.

As the minutes ticked away though, so did that sense of freedom. I allowed myself that freedom all the way up to the wire when I threw together some food, grated my finger instead of a carrot and began to melt down. My happy tank was full until I remembered it was not a day off, it was Thanksgiving. I had places to be and people expecting me. Because Thanksgiving is about being around family and friends and eating too much food right? That's what I was about to do, so why was I dreading it? What is wrong with me? I JUST WANT TO STAY HOME AND CONTINUE TO BE HAPPY! Ugh, I'm such a grinch.

I'm getting pretty good at seeing when I'm not being true to myself. In yoga, they call this right knowledge versus wrong knowledge. I've begun to know when I should say, "no, that beer is the one past my limit" or "no, I can't come today because I need some alone time". I can actually hear my inner witness and she is on point. What I haven't learned to do, is listen. I hear that voice very clearly, but I'm not listening to it. I'm not allowing it to be the command center. I'm still letting ego mind keep his job even though inner knowing is obviously the better hire. I hear it say, "that beer is one too many" and drink it anyway. Today, I heard it say, "you're having such a great day owning your freedom, stick with it and don't go to the party" and I went anyway. I suppose with this realization it's time to fire the ego from day to day operations. It's time to let the infinitely smarter wisdom lead.

It took me 33 years to realize Thanksgiving is not my favorite holiday. It's not unrealistic then, that it's taken me that long to hear this powerful voice inside. I'm thankful today because I am aware and conscious of it now and it won't take me another 33 years to listen and live from that center. And next year, maybe I'll go go to the islands for Thanksgiving and have a yoga party. Who's with me?!

Starting Over 10 Years Later

This morning I had a random thought of myself on a set 10 years ago. I had just found my footing among a group of production assistants and was finally starting to earn my keep at the bottom of the ladder. There was a moment, coiling cables for the electric department, when I suddenly felt happy and proud and content. I was learning and I was appreciated and I knew and was told I was doing a great job. A few months later I would be running a 10 million dollar show. I would have tripled my income. And I would continue to rise and make more money and have more and more success. But in that moment, on the side of that house for the show "Who Wants to Marry my Dad", I KNEW I was on the path. I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Exactly 10 years later, here I am at the bottom of a different ladder, making exactly the same salary as I was on that day on the side of that house coiling cable with the electrics. I'm at the beginning, but I know and am told consistently that I am doing a good job. I am building a resume and a body of work. Perhaps in a few months, I will have tripled my salary and made a significant career move, but this time, in a field I am passionate about. There will be even more room for growth and abundance this time, because it is a path paved in purpose and passion. I'm doing something I am innately good at and love doing instead of something I have fallen into by accident because of my ability to achieve.

Here I go, with the realization and the knowing from experience that it can happen. That things can change overnight and with one phone call or one email or one boss having a thought that leads to one decision. There is infinite potential in every single moment for abundance and for success.

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My Question to Buddha

I’d like to expand on the idea that there is freedom in letting go.  Freedom from attachment I suppose, means freedom from the potential for pain and of suffering.  But my question to Buddha would be, what is a life free from the highs and lows of attachment?  What is a life free of emotion?  How can one experience overwhelming joy without first experiencing the throes of despair?  That is life.  That is the living part; the feelings and the pain and the peace.  It is the awesome and the awful that we all keep coming back for time after time.  Loss after loss, we crave that rush of possibility and ride that euphoric wave as long as we can before it inevitably drowns back down into the sea and we wait for another to build and carry us home.  It’s a continuous cycle of reinvention; of living many lives within one lifetime.  The presence of any being, no matter how temporary, who brings us through a cycle of life is a beautiful manifestation and gift.  Perhaps in gratitude for this we can put away the pain of loss.  To have the opportunity to know these kinds of connections broadens the scope of what’s possible.  

Finding Freedom

When we are committed up to our eyeballs and working long hours or seven days a week, the word freedom sounds like a punch-line to a poorly timed joke.  Most days, freedom, that celebrated feeling of having time and choices and the opportunity to be spontaneous seems like an antidote just out of reach.  But does it have to? 

Recently I was forced to take a step back and really look at the people and things I have been attaching myself and my happiness to.  I’ve latched on to certain things with a white knuckle grip and, ironically, the tighter I hold on, the more that grip seems to slip.  When it comes to people, if we hold on this way, it becomes inevitable that we will overwhelm them.  When we rest all of our happiness in one person, we become heavy to them and no matter how much they care about us, they will only be able to hold our weight for so long before the relationship crumbles.

For me personally, I had to take a breath and realize that this thick sludge of work and fear and transition was a choice.  I made it this heavy.  That meant, I could also choose freedom. 

We are our own captors.  There is no one out there working to put limitations on us or physically tying our hands behind our backs.  We do that all by ourselves.  We become what we show to others that we are and have the ability to show ourselves to others in so many ways. We are diverse, eclectic creatures who have the astounding ability to reinvent ourselves over and over and over again.

Buddha preached detachment.  He believed that attachment was the root of all suffering and that detachment meant freedom and peace.  It makes sense from this perspective, that the more we allow things, people, and circumstances to flow in and out of our lives instead of forcing them into place, the more room we create for spontaneity and freedom.

We choose how we let others affect us.  We choose to advance toward change and take risks to better our circumstances.  We choose to stay put in a set of old circumstances.  We are not victims, unless we are victims of our own shortsightedness.  We can choose to be happy and to let go of the baggage and the notions holding us back from the light.  OR we can choose to dwell in the past or in regret.  We can choose to hang out in the pain cave or we can choose to haul a lawn chair out into the sunlight.

Let it go.  Let yourself have the freedom to enjoy this moment and all the possibilities it holds.  Do something with it...or use it to regroup.  Use it to breathe one last breath of life into the sadness and then let it die.  Grow out of that depressed ground into something solid, strong, and free.

Catching Waves

No experience in my life has made me feel more alone than yesterday, when I opened the door to my new, empty apartment in a town where I know no one.  Fresh off the boat from LA, my first day in Seaside was surreal and filled with"what the hell am I doing?" moments.  Scarlett was freaked out (I found her wide-eyed, hiding in the loft on a shelf) and her discomfort added to my own.

I picked up a few creature comforts and smudged the new place with sage but, still feeling angsty, I went down to the water and watched the ocean for a while.  Tears welled as I announced my presence to her and told her about my hopes and dreams and asked that she watch over me and keep me safe and happy and inspired.  It's truly amazing the powerful affect the ocean and nature have on my psyche and emotional well being these days.  I walked away from my new view feeling connected and centered, having approached it anxious, lonely, and afraid.

This morning, I picked up a peppermint tea in an adorable cafe around the corner from my new apartment.  The girl behind the counter asked where I was visiting from and I told her I'd just moved in a couple blocks away and that I was from Los Angeles.  Everyone's eyes get wide when I tell them I've relocated from LA and they mumble something about culture shock.  I sat down to sip my tea and a couple with a baby next to me welcomed me to town.  Aurora and Lucas had moved from the Los Angeles area eight years before to an even smaller Oregon coastal town before moving here to Seaside two years ago.  Judging from their son Rorick's stature, maybe just before he was born.

"It was tough getting used to the idea that this is not like other coastal areas."  Aurora said with a smirk.

It was my turn to speak, but I wasn't sure what she meant by that.  Did she mean it was a terrible place to live?  Was she telling me I'd made a huge mistake?

Glancing out the window I said hopefully, "You mean the weather?"

"Yeah."  Lucas nodded.

I realized I had been holding my breath until he answered.  I let it go, relieved.  It's May and it was cold and drizzling outside.

"I don't mind this weather so much."  I replied.

I did wonder though, how long it will take me to miss the beating California sun.  I was wearing a heavy fleece and stocking cap.  Two days before I had worn sunscreen and a tank top.

I exchanged parting pleasantries with Lucas and Aurora and walked down to the water.  The rolling waves had made me feel so much better the evening prior and I needed to fill my happy tank before moving on to my day of errands.  As I walked along the water, the rain spit harder and harder.  Instead of racing home, I continued down the sand and then moved up to the boardwalk, sipping my mint tea and taking in my new surroundings.  The walk was cathartic and I felt as if the rain was at work cleansing me of the past.

My life in LA is feeling farther and farther away with each adjustment I make to small town beach life.  I feel inspired and, this morning, I actually did begin walking faster, though it wasn't to get out of the rain.  I was anxious to get home and catch a new wave of creativity.

The Path to Transformation

As published in the March 2013 issue of Soulwoman eMagazine, which can be found at:

www.soulwomansanctuary.com

It’s easy to talk about the positive aspects and outcomes of transformation.  It’s easy to look at the before and after pictures of our lives and recap for others what steps we took to get from point A to point B.  What is difficult to understand, especially while it’s happening in our own lives, is that although deeply gratifying, the path to transformation can be a long and arduous one.   Transforming, which, by definition means changing form, is painful and it’s easy to become lost, lonely, and afraid along the way. 

Whether you have chosen to take on a life altering transformation, experienced some catalyst that has landed you in the midst of it, or you are being led to contemplate the journey, my biggest advice is to tune into your heart.  Turn off the noise and fear being generated in your mind by the ego and close your eyes.  Focus regularly on your breath and on the peace and silence that lies within your heart.  The capacity of the heart far outweighs that of the ego.  You hold in your heart all the courage you need to move your life forward and listen to the quiet rumblings of your spirit.  Once you have awakened to the voice of your spirit, you will develop a natural desire to grow and expand.  You will begin to realize how unfulfilled you have become by the control, power, and material possessions that define our Western society’s idea of success.  Begin to answer the callings of the spirit by paying attention to the things and people in your life who allow you to be creative, vulnerable, compassionate, and embody the true essence of your being.  With this new perspective, acknowledge and accept the emotional attachments you hold to people and things in your past that you are ready to release and welcome new, more gratifying relationships and experiences into your future. 

With the realization that what you have in the present isn’t enough, comes the fun part of brainstorming and playing with ideas about what you do want in your life and where and how you want to do it.   Think Big.  Maybe you’re being called to move to a new city, try a new career, or kindle the flame of an artistic talent.  Maybe it means calling in a new system of spiritual support, developing deeper friendships, or pursuing a relationship with someone who sees and respects the authentic person you are becoming.  This fun and crucial part of the transformation process is about creating this ever-evolving vision that will become the reward for your efforts.   Transformation is about bringing change and renewal to your entire being and way of life and purposefully molding it into something more beautiful, fulfilling and honest.  This new vision for your life will be your constant motivation.  If you become uninspired by your vision at any point along the way, it’s okay, even important, to evolve that vision in to something even bigger, better, and more beautiful.

Now, from the safety of your caterpillar body, you can see in your mind’s vision the beautiful butterfly you were meant to become.  You see the potential that lies inside of you and are ready for the season of transformation it will take to get there.  You begin to build up the bravery and energy it will take to fuel this evolution and there is no denying the amount of dedicated work, effort, and courage it will take. 

This is when the real work begins.  Throughout the course of your life, you put down roots with every decision you make, with every relationship you engage in, and with every task you take on.  Transformation requires the laborious work of digging up these roots and making sure they are replanted in a way and in a place you really want to live.  During the process of uprooting, you will be severing ties that no longer serve you.  It will be difficult and emotional, but from it, you will gain freedom from a life that is suffocating your soul.  During your transformation, you are growing in your capacity for love and acceptance.  You are welcoming the adventure of new and exciting prospects that you have created room for and which will shape the beautiful being you are becoming.  Fortunately, along the way you will begin to build the muscles for this work and it will become easier to see clearly what you want to draw into your life.  With small successes, you will become even more motivated to find happiness and fulfillment.  Though you will still experience highs and lows, anxiety and fear, eventually you will become lighter and less attached to the previous state.  It will become easier to make new kinds of decisions, take new kinds of risks, and give yourself more time to gain new perspective through travel, conversation, and ideas. 

At some point, you will come to the realization that the things you’ve drawn into your life are things you can’t believe you ever lived without.  You’ll realize that in the past you were coasting along, just getting by in a world where existence was meant to be so much more. 

So during your season of transformation, when you are feeling lonely and confused or like a ship lost at sea, it’s important to dig deep and keep working to get yourself to the other shore.  There is no going back for there is no room in your previous existence for the expanded, enlightened being you have become.  When you are feeling anxious and afraid, tune into the heart’s peace and listen for the wisdom you need to continue along this new path.   Take time to reflect on how far you’ve come; from the old cave of despair and angst to an outlook of passion, excitement, and clarity at the future you are creating.