Dealing With Doubt

It's rare that I feel fear.  I've always been a person to kind of, work backwards.  I pick a goal or make a decision and commit to it, usually before I take time to analyze the logistics.  Pardon the cliche, but acting in this way is like taking a leap of faith.  It doesn't matter how big or grand or important your ideas are, if you never act on them or put them into motion, they remain nothing more than great ideas.  And are we ever really ready to jump into the unknown?  You can stand at the end of a diving board for 3 days, or you can just jump.  The longer you stand there analyzing the act, the more time fear has to build and the more opportunity your ego has to talk you right back down the ladder.

But isn't that what we're taught as spiritual seekers?  To set our intentions with the universe and let a higher power figure out the when and the how?  Sometimes when I talk to others about my plans or what I'm trying to do with my life, I am met with skepticism.  I'm met with doubt and I want to shake them and say...."do you see what I've done?! Do you know me at all?  How can you be doubting me?"  Unfortunately, no matter how much confidence I have in myself, after conversations like this I'm left with their contagious sense of doubt.  It takes me days sometimes to come back to my center of confidence, put the doubt and fear down, and get on with it.

There is a lot I want out of this life.  There is so much I want to do and contribute and learn.  In order to grow we need to challenge ourselves and take risks...even fail.  Don't let anyone snuff the spark of a crazy new idea or an ambitious or lofty goal.  Take their concern, evaluate it, and if it goes against your own inner knowing, simply let it go.  It's hard.  We're always looking for validation, support, and praise from others.  Dealing with the doubt and skepticism we receive instead feels bad.  For me, I just try to remember that that fear they're expressing belongs to them.  It's not mine.  It's not even about me.  The truth is, they just can't see themselves on my path, and that's ok.  This is my path, my progress, and my potential for great success.  

Settling In

The sun is shining this morning and I woke up in my own bed.  I can't imagine a better start to my day after spending three weeks in an empty apartment on an air mattress, walking a mile to work every day in the rain.  My bike is here, my bed is here, all my things (though not all in one piece) are here and the trauma caused by my movers yesterday is now in the past.  Most of my life is still in boxes and my apartment looks like a tornado came through, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel where I'm settled and back to some semblance of routine.

In retrospect, I can see it was part of the master plan that I have three weeks in my empty apartment to settle into a work schedule and be forced out and about making new friends.  If I had been able to come home after my long days of standing at Rite Aid or in the restaurant, I may have spent my evenings hibernating in my bed putting my feet up.  As it was, being "home" in an empty apartment, furnished only with an air mattress was just too depressing.  So I was at the cafe seeing new friends in the mornings an out at the pub having dinner and introducing myself around my little neighborhood (and signing karaoke at the American Legion) after work.  During that time, I met the people who comforted me yesterday after the aforementioned movers had gone...people I consider friends.

Now that I have a home full of my creature comforts (somewhere), I can get back to my normal cooking and writing schedule and the prospect of that feels really good.  Most importantly, my feet and legs have acclimated from a decade of desk jobs to standing for 8 hours a day and I'm ready to settle into my new jobs and my new life.

Catching Waves

No experience in my life has made me feel more alone than yesterday, when I opened the door to my new, empty apartment in a town where I know no one.  Fresh off the boat from LA, my first day in Seaside was surreal and filled with"what the hell am I doing?" moments.  Scarlett was freaked out (I found her wide-eyed, hiding in the loft on a shelf) and her discomfort added to my own.

I picked up a few creature comforts and smudged the new place with sage but, still feeling angsty, I went down to the water and watched the ocean for a while.  Tears welled as I announced my presence to her and told her about my hopes and dreams and asked that she watch over me and keep me safe and happy and inspired.  It's truly amazing the powerful affect the ocean and nature have on my psyche and emotional well being these days.  I walked away from my new view feeling connected and centered, having approached it anxious, lonely, and afraid.

This morning, I picked up a peppermint tea in an adorable cafe around the corner from my new apartment.  The girl behind the counter asked where I was visiting from and I told her I'd just moved in a couple blocks away and that I was from Los Angeles.  Everyone's eyes get wide when I tell them I've relocated from LA and they mumble something about culture shock.  I sat down to sip my tea and a couple with a baby next to me welcomed me to town.  Aurora and Lucas had moved from the Los Angeles area eight years before to an even smaller Oregon coastal town before moving here to Seaside two years ago.  Judging from their son Rorick's stature, maybe just before he was born.

"It was tough getting used to the idea that this is not like other coastal areas."  Aurora said with a smirk.

It was my turn to speak, but I wasn't sure what she meant by that.  Did she mean it was a terrible place to live?  Was she telling me I'd made a huge mistake?

Glancing out the window I said hopefully, "You mean the weather?"

"Yeah."  Lucas nodded.

I realized I had been holding my breath until he answered.  I let it go, relieved.  It's May and it was cold and drizzling outside.

"I don't mind this weather so much."  I replied.

I did wonder though, how long it will take me to miss the beating California sun.  I was wearing a heavy fleece and stocking cap.  Two days before I had worn sunscreen and a tank top.

I exchanged parting pleasantries with Lucas and Aurora and walked down to the water.  The rolling waves had made me feel so much better the evening prior and I needed to fill my happy tank before moving on to my day of errands.  As I walked along the water, the rain spit harder and harder.  Instead of racing home, I continued down the sand and then moved up to the boardwalk, sipping my mint tea and taking in my new surroundings.  The walk was cathartic and I felt as if the rain was at work cleansing me of the past.

My life in LA is feeling farther and farther away with each adjustment I make to small town beach life.  I feel inspired and, this morning, I actually did begin walking faster, though it wasn't to get out of the rain.  I was anxious to get home and catch a new wave of creativity.

The Plan

I decided to finally write about the details of The Plan.  I chose today because a stressed out, down in the dumps feeling met me at home after yoga this morning.  After spending some time with it (and feeding it), I realized it was here because of the pending move.  D-day is inching closer and closer and I'm feeling a little unsettled.  I'm hoping that writing about The Plan will chase away today's blues with a surge of motivation and excitement.

I'm leaving LA.  For good this time.  In December of 2011, after a month long, solo, soul-searching trip to Bali, I decided to uproot and move to New York.  I did it and it was wonderful.  I loved New York City and my nine months there were inspiring and interesting and NYC helped me recover from my break up with LA.  Then, an opportunity presented itself, and I left New York last August to travel around the world for a show I was working on.  I ended up back in SoCal after it was over in December.  That's when me and LA accidentally got back together.  Not on purpose and, not really to give it another try, but because it was easy and comfortable.  We just kind of, fell into the old routine.  In January, my tenants moved out of my condo and I moved back in.

As nice as it was being back in my own home, it didn't take long for me to come to the conclusion that enough was enough.  For months, I had been contemplating selling my place and decided now was the perfect time to move forward with the sale and break up with LA for real this time.  My time in New York, though I loved living there, made me realize that I needed to ease out of the TV industry and pursue my writing career full time if I wanted to be truly happy.  Sadly, happiness for me is giving up a 6 figure salary for that of a novice writer.  I don't know what a novice writer's salary is yet, because I haven't had any paying work.  Yet.  But I did get commissioned for my first real article and my deadline is Tuesday.  It is not six figures, but it's a start.  Unfortunately, this small salary, hopefully in my near future, means no more New York City.

That's the basic back-story (if you want the nitty gritty, go back for some of my older posts).  Now for The Plan.

In a few weeks, I will hire movers and have them schlep the belongings I haven't sold from Los Angeles to a little town in Oregon called Seaside.  I have rented an apartment three tiny blocks from a beautiful beach in a town of 6,500 people.  The air improves, the view improves, and the people are nicer.  Oh, and my monthly expenses decrease by at least $2,500 a month.  I will be living more life on less $$.  My life will be simple and centered around a real community for the first time in my adult life.  I will hold a minimum wage job and spend most of my time writing, clamming, riding my beach cruiser through town, and walking the beach.  I will have no car, no condo, no fancy dinner or drinks obligations, no friends, no family...New York was a dress rehearsal.  This is the real deal fresh start.  All the positive and scary things about a fresh start.

Moving to Seaside is a huge leap of faith.  I have faith in myself that I can make it as a writer and that Seaside will be the perfect venue for my new-found entrepreneurial spirit.  I have big plans for myself and, to be fair, they are not so much about the place.  It didn't matter where I chose to move, just that I picked a place with a low cost of living that was also inspiring and offered a sense of community.  I found Seaside on a map, bought a flight, rented a car, and found my new home.

This helped.  I'm back to feeling excited and inspired and anxious to spend thousands of dollars on movers to get home.

The Path to Transformation

As published in the March 2013 issue of Soulwoman eMagazine, which can be found at:

www.soulwomansanctuary.com

It’s easy to talk about the positive aspects and outcomes of transformation.  It’s easy to look at the before and after pictures of our lives and recap for others what steps we took to get from point A to point B.  What is difficult to understand, especially while it’s happening in our own lives, is that although deeply gratifying, the path to transformation can be a long and arduous one.   Transforming, which, by definition means changing form, is painful and it’s easy to become lost, lonely, and afraid along the way. 

Whether you have chosen to take on a life altering transformation, experienced some catalyst that has landed you in the midst of it, or you are being led to contemplate the journey, my biggest advice is to tune into your heart.  Turn off the noise and fear being generated in your mind by the ego and close your eyes.  Focus regularly on your breath and on the peace and silence that lies within your heart.  The capacity of the heart far outweighs that of the ego.  You hold in your heart all the courage you need to move your life forward and listen to the quiet rumblings of your spirit.  Once you have awakened to the voice of your spirit, you will develop a natural desire to grow and expand.  You will begin to realize how unfulfilled you have become by the control, power, and material possessions that define our Western society’s idea of success.  Begin to answer the callings of the spirit by paying attention to the things and people in your life who allow you to be creative, vulnerable, compassionate, and embody the true essence of your being.  With this new perspective, acknowledge and accept the emotional attachments you hold to people and things in your past that you are ready to release and welcome new, more gratifying relationships and experiences into your future. 

With the realization that what you have in the present isn’t enough, comes the fun part of brainstorming and playing with ideas about what you do want in your life and where and how you want to do it.   Think Big.  Maybe you’re being called to move to a new city, try a new career, or kindle the flame of an artistic talent.  Maybe it means calling in a new system of spiritual support, developing deeper friendships, or pursuing a relationship with someone who sees and respects the authentic person you are becoming.  This fun and crucial part of the transformation process is about creating this ever-evolving vision that will become the reward for your efforts.   Transformation is about bringing change and renewal to your entire being and way of life and purposefully molding it into something more beautiful, fulfilling and honest.  This new vision for your life will be your constant motivation.  If you become uninspired by your vision at any point along the way, it’s okay, even important, to evolve that vision in to something even bigger, better, and more beautiful.

Now, from the safety of your caterpillar body, you can see in your mind’s vision the beautiful butterfly you were meant to become.  You see the potential that lies inside of you and are ready for the season of transformation it will take to get there.  You begin to build up the bravery and energy it will take to fuel this evolution and there is no denying the amount of dedicated work, effort, and courage it will take. 

This is when the real work begins.  Throughout the course of your life, you put down roots with every decision you make, with every relationship you engage in, and with every task you take on.  Transformation requires the laborious work of digging up these roots and making sure they are replanted in a way and in a place you really want to live.  During the process of uprooting, you will be severing ties that no longer serve you.  It will be difficult and emotional, but from it, you will gain freedom from a life that is suffocating your soul.  During your transformation, you are growing in your capacity for love and acceptance.  You are welcoming the adventure of new and exciting prospects that you have created room for and which will shape the beautiful being you are becoming.  Fortunately, along the way you will begin to build the muscles for this work and it will become easier to see clearly what you want to draw into your life.  With small successes, you will become even more motivated to find happiness and fulfillment.  Though you will still experience highs and lows, anxiety and fear, eventually you will become lighter and less attached to the previous state.  It will become easier to make new kinds of decisions, take new kinds of risks, and give yourself more time to gain new perspective through travel, conversation, and ideas. 

At some point, you will come to the realization that the things you’ve drawn into your life are things you can’t believe you ever lived without.  You’ll realize that in the past you were coasting along, just getting by in a world where existence was meant to be so much more. 

So during your season of transformation, when you are feeling lonely and confused or like a ship lost at sea, it’s important to dig deep and keep working to get yourself to the other shore.  There is no going back for there is no room in your previous existence for the expanded, enlightened being you have become.  When you are feeling anxious and afraid, tune into the heart’s peace and listen for the wisdom you need to continue along this new path.   Take time to reflect on how far you’ve come; from the old cave of despair and angst to an outlook of passion, excitement, and clarity at the future you are creating.