Starting Over 10 Years Later

This morning I had a random thought of myself on a set 10 years ago. I had just found my footing among a group of production assistants and was finally starting to earn my keep at the bottom of the ladder. There was a moment, coiling cables for the electric department, when I suddenly felt happy and proud and content. I was learning and I was appreciated and I knew and was told I was doing a great job. A few months later I would be running a 10 million dollar show. I would have tripled my income. And I would continue to rise and make more money and have more and more success. But in that moment, on the side of that house for the show "Who Wants to Marry my Dad", I KNEW I was on the path. I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Exactly 10 years later, here I am at the bottom of a different ladder, making exactly the same salary as I was on that day on the side of that house coiling cable with the electrics. I'm at the beginning, but I know and am told consistently that I am doing a good job. I am building a resume and a body of work. Perhaps in a few months, I will have tripled my salary and made a significant career move, but this time, in a field I am passionate about. There will be even more room for growth and abundance this time, because it is a path paved in purpose and passion. I'm doing something I am innately good at and love doing instead of something I have fallen into by accident because of my ability to achieve.

Here I go, with the realization and the knowing from experience that it can happen. That things can change overnight and with one phone call or one email or one boss having a thought that leads to one decision. There is infinite potential in every single moment for abundance and for success.

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Dealing With Doubt

It's rare that I feel fear.  I've always been a person to kind of, work backwards.  I pick a goal or make a decision and commit to it, usually before I take time to analyze the logistics.  Pardon the cliche, but acting in this way is like taking a leap of faith.  It doesn't matter how big or grand or important your ideas are, if you never act on them or put them into motion, they remain nothing more than great ideas.  And are we ever really ready to jump into the unknown?  You can stand at the end of a diving board for 3 days, or you can just jump.  The longer you stand there analyzing the act, the more time fear has to build and the more opportunity your ego has to talk you right back down the ladder.

But isn't that what we're taught as spiritual seekers?  To set our intentions with the universe and let a higher power figure out the when and the how?  Sometimes when I talk to others about my plans or what I'm trying to do with my life, I am met with skepticism.  I'm met with doubt and I want to shake them and say...."do you see what I've done?! Do you know me at all?  How can you be doubting me?"  Unfortunately, no matter how much confidence I have in myself, after conversations like this I'm left with their contagious sense of doubt.  It takes me days sometimes to come back to my center of confidence, put the doubt and fear down, and get on with it.

There is a lot I want out of this life.  There is so much I want to do and contribute and learn.  In order to grow we need to challenge ourselves and take risks...even fail.  Don't let anyone snuff the spark of a crazy new idea or an ambitious or lofty goal.  Take their concern, evaluate it, and if it goes against your own inner knowing, simply let it go.  It's hard.  We're always looking for validation, support, and praise from others.  Dealing with the doubt and skepticism we receive instead feels bad.  For me, I just try to remember that that fear they're expressing belongs to them.  It's not mine.  It's not even about me.  The truth is, they just can't see themselves on my path, and that's ok.  This is my path, my progress, and my potential for great success.  

Keeping the Dream Alive

I'm trying not to beat myself up too much for not finding time to write the last couple of weeks.  I try to make peace with it by telling myself there will be times, lulls in my life for writing, and times to be fully living.  After all, what would I write about if not for this time dedicated to experience?  I do have to remind myself, however, when I feel I'm getting caught up in the microcosms of daily life, that I'm not here to wait tables or be the best cashier Rite Aid ever had.  These jobs are a means to an end and I need to keep that end in perspective.

I have come here to extract myself from the material world; to build a life that can be led from anywhere.  I have come here to gain further insight into my purpose and my dreams.  This place and the growing pains of this transition are temporary.  This platform I'm building is a starting ground, a launching point for the great things I'm meant to accomplish.  I need to keep my priorities in line and make sure I continue to reach for the right goals.  I need to reserve energy for my passions; the ones that will propel me toward my dream life.  I've got to keep that vision up front in my mind and access it every single day.

Lost and Looking for Wisdom

I could feel the emotion welling up inside as I packed up the last of my condo for the movers who will arrive in the morning.  My first thought was, "it's about time".  I've been trying to tune into the emotional part of this process for days and, for whatever reason, haven't been able to access it.  Now, it was time to gently force the issue.

I put down the box and moved to the couch to let the tears stream down my face.  I took a couple of deep breaths, closed my eyes, and turned a question within.

"What's wrong?"

Silence.

I let the tears continue to roll, waiting patiently for the answer.  My inner knowing finally answered.

"I'm afraid."

I let the dialogue continue.

"What are you afraid of?"

Again, silence.

I coaxed my inner knowing into an answer by handing it a pen and paper.  She wrote:

"I'm afraid of being alone.  I'm afraid of leaving the safety of the place I know for the unknown.  I'm afraid of failure."

My inner wisdom began a furious scribble and replied with this:

"Do you realize what you've done, the risks you've taken, and the success you've had in your life?  You've succeeded in some of the most competitive markets in the world.  You have the capacity to not only succeed in this change, but to build something powerful and amazing.  You are leaving the safety of a place and a situation that has become too small for you.  You are not just going to succeed, you are going to thrive and grow and expand.  You are setting yourself up for the success of your lifetime.  You are creating room in your life for the things you've come to dream about.  You are enough.  You are more than enough.  You are love, hope, and passion.  You are ambition, talent, and creativity.  You're going to be great."

The tears streamed faster after that.  They were tears of relief and release in realizing my inner wisdom was right.  This move will change me.  It will catapult me into my purpose and give me room to grow into a person with the capacity for great things; successes I can't even fathom yet.

This dialogue helped me realize that we're all meant for greatness.  People in our lives or unfortunate circumstances can deter us from the path of finding our true selves and purpose, but we can always find a way back.  Our inner wisdom knows what this purpose is and that we are capable of achieving it.  We can hear it and access our own wisdom by giving it silence and stillness.  We must acknowledge this part of ourselves by asking the right questions when we feel lost and honor it by letting it answer.