Being Single: The Real Deal

Being single means carrying heavy boxes upstairs by yourself. It means mounting your kids' bikes to the back of your Jetta alone. It means doing really hard stuff by yourself that would be so much easier with a back up set of muscles and moral support. Being a single parent means duking out math homework with your kid by yourself and handing her off to her dad for fun and games on the weekends. It means using your waitressing tips for dental visits and letting awful creeps at the bar buy you an emergency shot of tequila before you go home to comb the fleas off your dog. Being single means ciphering through the losers and fending off unwanted advances but allowing your heart to be open to something promising when it does come along. It's using your best judgement but knowing when and how to throw caution to the wind when the wind blows the right direction.

Being single affords proud moments when you drag the vacuum upstairs and manage to mount hooks to the bathroom door with power tools. It's power in knowing how to fight the battles with your own swords and it's pride and determination figuring out the math and learning to start your own bonfire. It's a major sense of accomplishment handing your kid off for the weekend knowing you've been mom and dad and a universe to a well rounded and whole little person. It's drinking wine alone next to the fire you built and staying up late to write and enjoy the peace and cry over the loneliness.

Being single is hard and liberating and lonely and distinct. The ups and downs and round abouts give you pause and strength and freedom and grounding as a human being capable of anything and everything life throws at you with only the tools you've got in the box.

I give it up to you, myself and my amazing girlfriends who power through life with grace and beauty using our only two hands and a heart full of willpower and strength. Here's to us for not settling or allowing a man to define us. 

Choosing Simplicity

As published in the August 2013 issue of Soulwoman eMagazine www.soulwomansanctuary.com

When you create the opportunity to turn your life upside down and shake everything out, what you’re left with isn’t emptiness. What you’re left with are the parts of you that can’t be separated from who you are on a soul level. What’s left are your truth and authenticity. 

Two years ago I considered myself to be content. I was living in my half million dollar Los Angeles condo, driving my fancy convertible, working a glamorous job and earning a six figure salary. I was so preoccupied with collecting labels, money, men, material possessions, status and power that I never stopped to consider what it was I was passionate about or ask myself if my lifestyle would continue to make me happy into the future as I got to be 40, 50, 60, 70 years old. I just lived in a state of ego driven contentment with the status quo. Fortunately, two years and some life-altering lessons, teachers, mentors and adventures later, all of that has changed.

My transformation began with an overwhelming urge to start purging my belongings. I started making weekly trips to goodwill with years and years worth of things I’d accumulated. I began distancing myself from the myriad of superficial attachments to lackluster relationships, designer purses, sunglasses, beautiful clothes and painful high heeled shoes.  Thanks to some very special people, over time, I traded these attachments for ones to travel, genuine relationships and new kinds of conversations. I became acquainted with my latent dreams and passions; things I’d never paid much attention to before. I began to realize I’d never felt a sense of true fulfillment and I started to see the glimmer of importance in that and seek it out for the first time. I started turning down fancy dinners and professional obligations for camping and kayaking on beautiful lakes. I cancelled plans to spend more time at home in quiet reflection and contemplation. I was in the process of simplifying as a means to…what end?  I didn’t know at the time. I didn’t know, but before that point, I’d never even asked myself that kind of question…to what end?  Isn’t that funny?  Isn’t that interesting that I never once thought, well, where is this all going? Where do I max out? With that question, I finally came to the conclusion that I needed a big change.

It took me two years of downsizing and simplifying to uproot and get to the beginning of my new life. I have finally landed in a place where I get to live for my passions and work every day toward fulfilling my dreams. It has been the most challenging and emotional thing I have ever done, but also the most rewarding. I have created freedom, new life and new opportunities for myself and my existence has become so simple. I live in a small town in Oregon, three blocks from the beach and my rent is dirt cheap. My bike is my only means of transportation and it is liberating! I wait tables at an oceanfront restaurant where I look at the water all day and come home to write. I am LOVING my life in a way I never even thought was possible until fate intervened two years ago. These days I am light and free, creative and spontaneous.

Finding simplicity takes cutting through layers of accumulation and nonsense. It begins with clearing away the literal and figurative clutter that surrounds you. Maybe it’s so hard because, in order to enjoy a simple life, you have to really be happy with who you are as a person and make peace with all the hard stuff. But I’m here telling you it’s worth it; that there is a lot to be said for ease. In fact, I’ve learned that flexibility and freedom are where I find real power. In flexibility and freedom, in simplicity and ease, we can catch glimpses of ourselves in a natural state. It’s like looking in the mirror first thing in the morning when your face is bare, without the makeup and worries of the day. It’s the same looking at our lives in those moments of time where there are no commitments, distractions or bookends.

The more I de-clutter my life, the more beauty and joy I find in the simple things. Instead of wandering the mall buying clothes and makeup and purses, I wander along the beach or along the street admiring the water, gardens and sunshine. I find beauty in the rain and the moon where I just didn’t see it before.  I no longer rest my happiness in things or superficial relationships. I have become someone focused on the value and beauty of the things right in front of me; things I already possess. I’m happy and truly content here and now and in this moment, regardless of the things that surround me or take up space in my orb.  

Dealing With Doubt

It's rare that I feel fear.  I've always been a person to kind of, work backwards.  I pick a goal or make a decision and commit to it, usually before I take time to analyze the logistics.  Pardon the cliche, but acting in this way is like taking a leap of faith.  It doesn't matter how big or grand or important your ideas are, if you never act on them or put them into motion, they remain nothing more than great ideas.  And are we ever really ready to jump into the unknown?  You can stand at the end of a diving board for 3 days, or you can just jump.  The longer you stand there analyzing the act, the more time fear has to build and the more opportunity your ego has to talk you right back down the ladder.

But isn't that what we're taught as spiritual seekers?  To set our intentions with the universe and let a higher power figure out the when and the how?  Sometimes when I talk to others about my plans or what I'm trying to do with my life, I am met with skepticism.  I'm met with doubt and I want to shake them and say...."do you see what I've done?! Do you know me at all?  How can you be doubting me?"  Unfortunately, no matter how much confidence I have in myself, after conversations like this I'm left with their contagious sense of doubt.  It takes me days sometimes to come back to my center of confidence, put the doubt and fear down, and get on with it.

There is a lot I want out of this life.  There is so much I want to do and contribute and learn.  In order to grow we need to challenge ourselves and take risks...even fail.  Don't let anyone snuff the spark of a crazy new idea or an ambitious or lofty goal.  Take their concern, evaluate it, and if it goes against your own inner knowing, simply let it go.  It's hard.  We're always looking for validation, support, and praise from others.  Dealing with the doubt and skepticism we receive instead feels bad.  For me, I just try to remember that that fear they're expressing belongs to them.  It's not mine.  It's not even about me.  The truth is, they just can't see themselves on my path, and that's ok.  This is my path, my progress, and my potential for great success.  

My Question to Buddha

I’d like to expand on the idea that there is freedom in letting go.  Freedom from attachment I suppose, means freedom from the potential for pain and of suffering.  But my question to Buddha would be, what is a life free from the highs and lows of attachment?  What is a life free of emotion?  How can one experience overwhelming joy without first experiencing the throes of despair?  That is life.  That is the living part; the feelings and the pain and the peace.  It is the awesome and the awful that we all keep coming back for time after time.  Loss after loss, we crave that rush of possibility and ride that euphoric wave as long as we can before it inevitably drowns back down into the sea and we wait for another to build and carry us home.  It’s a continuous cycle of reinvention; of living many lives within one lifetime.  The presence of any being, no matter how temporary, who brings us through a cycle of life is a beautiful manifestation and gift.  Perhaps in gratitude for this we can put away the pain of loss.  To have the opportunity to know these kinds of connections broadens the scope of what’s possible.  

Finding Freedom

When we are committed up to our eyeballs and working long hours or seven days a week, the word freedom sounds like a punch-line to a poorly timed joke.  Most days, freedom, that celebrated feeling of having time and choices and the opportunity to be spontaneous seems like an antidote just out of reach.  But does it have to? 

Recently I was forced to take a step back and really look at the people and things I have been attaching myself and my happiness to.  I’ve latched on to certain things with a white knuckle grip and, ironically, the tighter I hold on, the more that grip seems to slip.  When it comes to people, if we hold on this way, it becomes inevitable that we will overwhelm them.  When we rest all of our happiness in one person, we become heavy to them and no matter how much they care about us, they will only be able to hold our weight for so long before the relationship crumbles.

For me personally, I had to take a breath and realize that this thick sludge of work and fear and transition was a choice.  I made it this heavy.  That meant, I could also choose freedom. 

We are our own captors.  There is no one out there working to put limitations on us or physically tying our hands behind our backs.  We do that all by ourselves.  We become what we show to others that we are and have the ability to show ourselves to others in so many ways. We are diverse, eclectic creatures who have the astounding ability to reinvent ourselves over and over and over again.

Buddha preached detachment.  He believed that attachment was the root of all suffering and that detachment meant freedom and peace.  It makes sense from this perspective, that the more we allow things, people, and circumstances to flow in and out of our lives instead of forcing them into place, the more room we create for spontaneity and freedom.

We choose how we let others affect us.  We choose to advance toward change and take risks to better our circumstances.  We choose to stay put in a set of old circumstances.  We are not victims, unless we are victims of our own shortsightedness.  We can choose to be happy and to let go of the baggage and the notions holding us back from the light.  OR we can choose to dwell in the past or in regret.  We can choose to hang out in the pain cave or we can choose to haul a lawn chair out into the sunlight.

Let it go.  Let yourself have the freedom to enjoy this moment and all the possibilities it holds.  Do something with it...or use it to regroup.  Use it to breathe one last breath of life into the sadness and then let it die.  Grow out of that depressed ground into something solid, strong, and free.

Constancy and Change

The river is flowing a different direction today.  It’s funny how quickly something seemingly so constant can just.....change.  It's made me realize, that there is no such thing as constancy or predictability and nothing should be taken for granted in its present state.  In reality, change is its own constant state, isn't it?  Our bodies change, our relationships change, our surroundings change.  We resist the audacity of change, but sometimes we fail to see that things become stagnant if they stay the same for too long.  To avoid stagnation, we must constantly reinvent ourselves and our circumstances.  Renewal is what keeps us evolving and alive.  

Adversity through change offers a unique opportunity for learning.  When we get too comfortable with something or with someone, we feel a sense of mastery and we get bored.  Life becomes dull and, sometimes without realizing it, we being to reach for something new and better.  The universe pays attention to these cues and sends us in new directions.  It sends us new people and new experiences to give us fresh perspective, knowledge, and wisdom.  I feel we are duty bound to use this wisdom to contribute to, encourage, and inspire others along the way.  You see, those of us strong enough to do so, must press forward through the bullshit and the pain.  We must be a guiding light to others and lead them out of the darkness.  When they see, they will believe, that there is a way out.  When they witness the broken trail and see that we've come through, they will be more likely to begin their own journey knowing there is greatness and life on the other side.

Being forced into change is like being pushed, fully clothed, into the water.  That moment of lost control is scary and it takes seemingly long, certainly agonizing moments to rise to the surface and get our bearings.  But as humans, we are built to survive.  We may even find the ground beneath our feet once we have time to take some deep breaths and assess the situation.  Next thing you know, you're having a lovely swim on a sunny day and forgotten you had no intention of going into the water.  Your view of the world and, of your surroundings, has changed and evolved and now, you’re a swimmer.  In the river.  That is flowing a different direction today.

Building My Foundation

It's adversity, obstacles, and challenges that help us discover what we're made of.  Some of us need to challenge ourselves hard to get close enough to touch that inner essence of who we are.  I'm one of those people and the challenge I've set for myself here has brought me closer that I've ever been.  The emotion that comes up for me regularly these days, is a result of being so tuned in, so close to that raw center of self.  Nothing I've ever done has challenged me in this way and it's so important, crucial even, that I don't contract away in fear from the temporary pain of transition.

I'm building a foundation here.  Too many times I have moved into a center that didn't quite fit.  Either the place or the setting or the experience wasn't right.  This time I am building the experience from the roots, exactly as I want it to be.  It's back breaking work, but in the end I will be able to wipe away the blood, sweat, and tears and admire the stuff I'm made of and the dream life I've created.  It will have been built by me, for me, with purpose and passion.  Wherever I live after this home within me has been built, will be my true home and I can live in it wherever I choose.

I must remind myself in my weakest moments, that I am strong and supported, determined and capable.  This is my choice.  This is my calling.