What's My Story?

Sometimes I'd like to flip to the last page of my book and know my story. I want to know that it all works out and that I find love and home and happiness and success.  I've relaxed into an enjoyment of the journey over the past year and I don't want to miss out on any part of my experience.  But it wouldn't hurt, during the tough times, to know that it all turns out ok...even awesome, in the end.  I want to know that, down the line, I'm settled past the transitions and the logistics into the awesome part.  It's all the living part, it's all the journey, it's all the learning.  But there are some things I know I want to experience that haven't happened yet and sometimes that period of questioning, of not knowing, and of making tough decisions is painful.  At those moments I just want to see through to the other side and know I'm making the right calls.

Human Thing

It's tough to prepare when I have no idea when or where the down days will hit.  The worst timing, is when they fall between the roller coaster high days, because then I'm completely blindsided.  Somehow, today turned into a particularly empty day.  My down spiral may have been set off by my guilty fall from the no-sugar wagon or by that damned depressing song that wormed its way into the iPod song shuffle.  Whatever it was, this sadness has been lingering all afternoon and each time I put down my highly distracting historical fiction novel, there it is again.  But sadness isn't the word; not really.  Loneliness?  Maybe.  Disconnected?  Yep,  there it is again.  That feeling of being so disconnected from the people in my life and from my life in this weird state of flux.  Initiating this life transition has been like melting a candle down to liquid and waiting for the wax to harden into a solid sense of form again so I can relight it.  That's where my life is; it's in a liquid state.

I know I keep coming back to this, but I know I'm doing the right thing.  I don't even question whether I'm on the right path.  The things I'm doing and the projects I'm undertaking are so fulfilling and make me so incredibly happy. I grow more comfortable with my choices every day.  I have moments when I'm elated at what I'm creating for myself and those moments lead to those roller coaster high days.  But I'm not in a solid state right now and when you try to light a candle in liquid form, it's going to overflow and fall apart.  That's what I did today, I fell apart a little.  And then I tried to put myself back together.  By myself.  With sugar.  No wonder it's not working!

The way I'm living while in transition, sequestered most days without much interaction, has left even me, someone quite adept at being a hermit, lonely.  Even when I'm around people lately I have a hard time really connecting and that's not like me.  I'm losing all sense of community and reverting back to the old me who had very few real connections with people.  Hopefully, now that I'm recognizing it I can do something about it.

Maybe today's breakdown was a test meant to make me realize that I do need people.  I've always had a lot of pride in my independence and self sufficiency and my ability to get through  most things without help.  Maybe this strong independence that I've always been so proud of and that has made me feel secure is being tested.  Maybe it's time I tried to let go of that.  Guess what?  Turns out, I need people.  There, I said it.  I need friendship and support and help.  I need someone to cry to and to tell when I'm scared and lost and confused and lonely.  It seems I've spent too much time alone lately and it may be time to seek out a sense of community.  Maybe it's time I simply started reaching out to my friends regularly and especially when I need to see a friendly face or have a connected conversation.  What a novel idea.  It's so....human.

Human Thing by The Be Good Tanyas.    Check it out.

The Path to Transformation

As published in the March 2013 issue of Soulwoman eMagazine, which can be found at:

www.soulwomansanctuary.com

It’s easy to talk about the positive aspects and outcomes of transformation.  It’s easy to look at the before and after pictures of our lives and recap for others what steps we took to get from point A to point B.  What is difficult to understand, especially while it’s happening in our own lives, is that although deeply gratifying, the path to transformation can be a long and arduous one.   Transforming, which, by definition means changing form, is painful and it’s easy to become lost, lonely, and afraid along the way. 

Whether you have chosen to take on a life altering transformation, experienced some catalyst that has landed you in the midst of it, or you are being led to contemplate the journey, my biggest advice is to tune into your heart.  Turn off the noise and fear being generated in your mind by the ego and close your eyes.  Focus regularly on your breath and on the peace and silence that lies within your heart.  The capacity of the heart far outweighs that of the ego.  You hold in your heart all the courage you need to move your life forward and listen to the quiet rumblings of your spirit.  Once you have awakened to the voice of your spirit, you will develop a natural desire to grow and expand.  You will begin to realize how unfulfilled you have become by the control, power, and material possessions that define our Western society’s idea of success.  Begin to answer the callings of the spirit by paying attention to the things and people in your life who allow you to be creative, vulnerable, compassionate, and embody the true essence of your being.  With this new perspective, acknowledge and accept the emotional attachments you hold to people and things in your past that you are ready to release and welcome new, more gratifying relationships and experiences into your future. 

With the realization that what you have in the present isn’t enough, comes the fun part of brainstorming and playing with ideas about what you do want in your life and where and how you want to do it.   Think Big.  Maybe you’re being called to move to a new city, try a new career, or kindle the flame of an artistic talent.  Maybe it means calling in a new system of spiritual support, developing deeper friendships, or pursuing a relationship with someone who sees and respects the authentic person you are becoming.  This fun and crucial part of the transformation process is about creating this ever-evolving vision that will become the reward for your efforts.   Transformation is about bringing change and renewal to your entire being and way of life and purposefully molding it into something more beautiful, fulfilling and honest.  This new vision for your life will be your constant motivation.  If you become uninspired by your vision at any point along the way, it’s okay, even important, to evolve that vision in to something even bigger, better, and more beautiful.

Now, from the safety of your caterpillar body, you can see in your mind’s vision the beautiful butterfly you were meant to become.  You see the potential that lies inside of you and are ready for the season of transformation it will take to get there.  You begin to build up the bravery and energy it will take to fuel this evolution and there is no denying the amount of dedicated work, effort, and courage it will take. 

This is when the real work begins.  Throughout the course of your life, you put down roots with every decision you make, with every relationship you engage in, and with every task you take on.  Transformation requires the laborious work of digging up these roots and making sure they are replanted in a way and in a place you really want to live.  During the process of uprooting, you will be severing ties that no longer serve you.  It will be difficult and emotional, but from it, you will gain freedom from a life that is suffocating your soul.  During your transformation, you are growing in your capacity for love and acceptance.  You are welcoming the adventure of new and exciting prospects that you have created room for and which will shape the beautiful being you are becoming.  Fortunately, along the way you will begin to build the muscles for this work and it will become easier to see clearly what you want to draw into your life.  With small successes, you will become even more motivated to find happiness and fulfillment.  Though you will still experience highs and lows, anxiety and fear, eventually you will become lighter and less attached to the previous state.  It will become easier to make new kinds of decisions, take new kinds of risks, and give yourself more time to gain new perspective through travel, conversation, and ideas. 

At some point, you will come to the realization that the things you’ve drawn into your life are things you can’t believe you ever lived without.  You’ll realize that in the past you were coasting along, just getting by in a world where existence was meant to be so much more. 

So during your season of transformation, when you are feeling lonely and confused or like a ship lost at sea, it’s important to dig deep and keep working to get yourself to the other shore.  There is no going back for there is no room in your previous existence for the expanded, enlightened being you have become.  When you are feeling anxious and afraid, tune into the heart’s peace and listen for the wisdom you need to continue along this new path.   Take time to reflect on how far you’ve come; from the old cave of despair and angst to an outlook of passion, excitement, and clarity at the future you are creating.

Sweet Peace

Today I stopped to smell the roses.  I went for a leisurely walk to the market to pick up some produce and saw that now all the flowers are blooming and the leaves are back on the trees.  The breeze is fragrant and there are bees everywhere.  I stopped every time I saw a pretty bunch of flowers or a rose bush hanging out into the sidewalk.  It made me realize how happy I am inside.  It made me realize how much work I've done uprooting and replanting to get where I am and how much I love the life I'm living.  I am completely free to put together a new vision for my life and to pursue my writing career every single day.  I ride my bike to and from yoga in the mornings and then I read and write all day long.  I'm still in a state of flux and transitioning to a different place, a different career, and into a different person really, but I've never been this happy in my life.

This sense of peace and happiness comes upon me suddenly and frequently lately and every time I sit and reflect on it with gratitude in my heart and a big grin on my face. I think about how proud of myself I am for taking the risk to begin this journey and stick with it when every thought from my ego said (and still says) it was unsafe and ridiculous.

I'm still at the beginning of this journey, though I think I've overcome a lot of the hardest obstacles over the last two years.  It's springtime and I like the idea of comparing life and my own season to spring and bloom and change and renewal.  I'd like my energy to grow with that of the sun on its way into summer and become stronger and stronger as I progress on this path.

A Home and a Life in Transition

I listened to a Deepak Chopra meditation today about how our outer worlds reflect our inner worlds. Looking around at my own outer world I had to laugh.  It's dead on.  It is a home in transition.  I am a woman in transition.  It is a perfect match.  Well said Deepak.

My artwork has all been taken off the walls, neatly packed, and is resting on the dining room table.  The curtain rods are leaning against the kitchen wall, their hardware in baggies taped to the sides.  The curtains themselves have been washed and folded and are also on the dining table waiting to be boxed up.  There are two big piles on the floor, one of things to give away and one of things to take with me.  There is a bookshelf disassembled on the floor in the living room waiting to be picked up and taken to its new home.  There are about 20 wine glasses on the counter from my 30th birthday party in wine country that, though sentimental, won't justify the real estate in the downsized cupboards of my future.

Looking around my home today, I realized I'm not sad or scared anymore.  The grace and ease of this transition have replaced the fear and sadness with a sense of calm, peace, and  patience.  As soon as the timing is right I'll be free to move on from here and onto a simpler life with less stuff and fewer ties.

Yes, I am a woman in transition and this is a home in transition.  It's not clutter, it's not chaos, it's simply me and my home transitioning; me to a new home and it toward a new occupant.  My mind is clear, my intentions are set, and with each piece of furniture I sell I feel better, lighter, freer.  It's thrilling really.  It means I'm getting closer and closer to my new life and to new experiences.  I'm coming to the end of one chapter and anxiously anticipating the next.

Disconnected

A few interactions lately have left me feeling completely disconnected from the people in my life.  It seems the further along I travel on the path to my true purpose, the fewer people on the old path can relate to me or understand what I'm trying to do or where I'm trying to go.  This goes back to the previous post when I talked about being a new person in an old set of circumstances.  I'm surrounded by people who only knew how to connect with the person I was when my ego controlled my identity.  Sadly, I'm realizing that they were more comfortable with me then.  Now they look at me like I've gone off the deep end when I talk to them about my life.  These interactions create all kinds of self doubt and I begin wondering how I became so far removed from the desires and reality of the general populace.  When I have these conversations, my ego subtly creeps into my consciousness and starts asking me scary questions like, "What's wrong with you that you all the sudden don't want the same things in life as everyone else?"  The whole experience exhausts me emotionally and I end up in a downward spiral, questioning myself and my motivations and the plans I've made for an unsure future.

Fortunately, I have a few long time friends who are on paths like mine, seeking their own purpose and a greater sense of fulfillment in life.  Going through this together, though each at a different pace and with very different aspirations, allows us to relate to each other in new ways that are richer, more meaningful, and more supportive. These special friendships are growing deeper and the foundation stronger as our lives move forward and we manifest a new kind of reality.

I am also fortunate that there are new people in my life who know me only for who I've become since my transformation began.  Now, when I meet people, I am connecting on a deeper level and in a new way.  They see me and know me for who I am behind the cloud of my ego because my authenticity is shining through brighter than ever. I am drawing in like minded people who understand the importance of living in personal integrity; who know what it takes to make themselves happy and thrive.  This energy is contagious and the more of these people I surround myself with, the stronger I feel.  The more of us who come together, the more powerful and widespread this new way of living and thinking becomes and that excites me.  I feel a little like we are a group of pioneers in a time when people around the world are coming into deeper consciousness and beginning to understand themselves and their dreams like never before.  People like us are going out to test the waters and test the boundaries of this kind of life and are happy and thrilled to do it...because once we succeed, there will be more.  People in our lives will see our success and our lives full of passion and follow in our footsteps.

This is my process.  My evolution into a more authentic, conscious individual involves many ups and downs.  For all the lost connections, I have gained many astounding teachers and a confidence in my convictions.  Among many things, I have learned how to turn inward for solace and answers to my ego's scary questions.  My own depth of wisdom increases with this kind of growth and, although I know I will never stop having doubts, I also know I will never again be blind to my true aspirations and all the possibilities that life has to offer.

Running in Place

In January, my tenants moved out and I found myself back in my home in Los Angeles to facilitate its sale and plan for the next chapter of my life.  Being here in the place I started when I began my transition feels a lot like running in place.  I know this is a necessary part of my process, which calls for me to fully let go of my home in order to make room for and move on with my new life, but it feels like a step backwards.  The most frustrating part of it has been the tendency to fall back into old routines and  feeling drawn to those old wants, needs, and desires that, in reality, I no longer identify with.  It has been difficult being a changed person in an old, familiar set of circumstances; ones I thought I'd left behind.

Relinquishing my home has been a surprisingly emotional process. It is a place I used to see a future for myself and an investment that represented safety and security.  Because I no longer see my future or security here, I am no longer able to connect to the home that I love.  It's like breaking up with someone you will always hold a place in your heart for, maybe even love, but who you know is not the right fit for you.  It's the right choice, but ending it is no less painful.

It helps me to look at the freedom on the other side of the break up.  I am formulating a plan that feels more solid every day, a plan that's different from anything I've ever done before.  As excited as I am about my plan though, it's equally daunting and scary.  I have days when I look at my beautiful home and the beautiful things I've accumulated and ask myself,  "why I am giving up all of this for the unknown? What if I fail?  What am I doing with my life?!"  At these moments I have to take a deep breath and a step back and remember some advice I got recently.  "Remember, you are choosing this."  This is a choice.  I am choosing freedom over the safety of the home and career I have built over the last decade.  I am choosing my dreams over a career I have developed to pay the mortgage.  I am choosing beauty, trees, and the sea over a condo in a desirable neighborhood with a low crime rate in a good school district.  I am choosing to really live my life and not settling for an existence and future I know.

This risk I'm taking going into the unknown may lead to failure.  There is a chance though, that it leads to success and that is what drives me.  Success met overcoming the challenges I will face will be even sweeter than any I have achieved to this point.  I know what the rewards look like behind the door of the known.  I have reaped them and I am unfulfilled.  "If you really, really want to change and try something new, you need to actually try something new." he said.

I try to remember that in truth, there is nothing for me to lose in pursuing the dream that is pulling at me so strongly.  Money comes and goes, the things I posses are just things.  I have worked so hard to get to this place of freedom and I am so close.  In taking these steps backwards, I realize just how far I've come. Transformation is not easy or everyone would choose it.  It is a long, sometimes painful, but immensely gratifying process and it must be done from a place in the heart where dreams and passion are held.  I will continue to trust the guidance I receive from that place and keep moving forward, even if for now it feels like I'm running in place.