Saturday, April 13, 2013

Human Thing

It's tough to prepare when I have no idea when or where the down days will hit.  The worst timing, is when they fall between the roller coaster high days, because then I'm completely blindsided.  Somehow, today turned into a particularly empty day.  My down spiral may have been set off by my guilty fall from the no-sugar wagon or by that damned depressing song that wormed its way into the iPod song shuffle.  Whatever it was, this sadness has been lingering all afternoon and each time I put down my highly distracting historical fiction novel, there it is again.  But sadness isn't the word; not really.  Loneliness?  Maybe.  Disconnected?  Yep,  there it is again.  That feeling of being so disconnected from the people in my life and from my life in this weird state of flux.  Initiating this life transition has been like melting a candle down to liquid and waiting for the wax to harden into a solid sense of form again so I can relight it.  That's where my life is; it's in a liquid state.

I know I keep coming back to this, but I know I'm doing the right thing.  I don't even question whether I'm on the right path.  The things I'm doing and the projects I'm undertaking are so fulfilling and make me so incredibly happy. I grow more comfortable with my choices every day.  I have moments when I'm elated at what I'm creating for myself and those moments lead to those roller coaster high days.  But I'm not in a solid state right now and when you try to light a candle in liquid form, it's going to overflow and fall apart.  That's what I did today, I fell apart a little.  And then I tried to put myself back together.  By myself.  With sugar.  No wonder it's not working!

The way I'm living while in transition, sequestered most days without much interaction, has left even me, someone quite adept at being a hermit, lonely.  Even when I'm around people lately I have a hard time really connecting and that's not like me.  I'm losing all sense of community and reverting back to the old me who had very few real connections with people.  Hopefully, now that I'm recognizing it I can do something about it.

Maybe today's breakdown was a test meant to make me realize that I do need people.  I've always had a lot of pride in my independence and self sufficiency and my ability to get through  most things without help.  Maybe this strong independence that I've always been so proud of and that has made me feel secure is being tested.  Maybe it's time I tried to let go of that.  Guess what?  Turns out, I need people.  There, I said it.  I need friendship and support and help.  I need someone to cry to and to tell when I'm scared and lost and confused and lonely.  It seems I've spent too much time alone lately and it may be time to seek out a sense of community.  Maybe it's time I simply started reaching out to my friends regularly and especially when I need to see a friendly face or have a connected conversation.  What a novel idea.  It's so....human.

Human Thing by The Be Good Tanyas.    Check it out.

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