Friday, March 29, 2013

A Home and a Life in Transition

I listened to a Deepak Chopra meditation today about how our outer worlds reflect our inner worlds. Looking around at my own outer world I had to laugh.  It's dead on.  It is a home in transition.  I am a woman in transition.  It is a perfect match.  Well said Deepak.

My artwork has all been taken off the walls, neatly packed, and is resting on the dining room table.  The curtain rods are leaning against the kitchen wall, their hardware in baggies taped to the sides.  The curtains themselves have been washed and folded and are also on the dining table waiting to be boxed up.  There are two big piles on the floor, one of things to give away and one of things to take with me.  There is a bookshelf disassembled on the floor in the living room waiting to be picked up and taken to its new home.  There are about 20 wine glasses on the counter from my 30th birthday party in wine country that, though sentimental, won't justify the real estate in the downsized cupboards of my future.

Looking around my home today, I realized I'm not sad or scared anymore.  The grace and ease of this transition have replaced the fear and sadness with a sense of calm, peace, and  patience.  As soon as the timing is right I'll be free to move on from here and onto a simpler life with less stuff and fewer ties.

Yes, I am a woman in transition and this is a home in transition.  It's not clutter, it's not chaos, it's simply me and my home transitioning; me to a new home and it toward a new occupant.  My mind is clear, my intentions are set, and with each piece of furniture I sell I feel better, lighter, freer.  It's thrilling really.  It means I'm getting closer and closer to my new life and to new experiences.  I'm coming to the end of one chapter and anxiously anticipating the next.


Sunday, March 10, 2013

Disconnected

A few interactions lately have left me feeling completely disconnected from the people in my life.  It seems the further along I travel on the path to my true purpose, the fewer people on the old path can relate to me or understand what I'm trying to do or where I'm trying to go.  This goes back to the previous post when I talked about being a new person in an old set of circumstances.  I'm surrounded by people who only knew how to connect with the person I was when my ego controlled my identity.  Sadly, I'm realizing that they were more comfortable with me then.  Now they look at me like I've gone off the deep end when I talk to them about my life.  These interactions create all kinds of self doubt and I begin wondering how I became so far removed from the desires and reality of the general populace.  When I have these conversations, my ego subtly creeps into my consciousness and starts asking me scary questions like, "What's wrong with you that you all the sudden don't want the same things in life as everyone else?"  The whole experience exhausts me emotionally and I end up in a downward spiral, questioning myself and my motivations and the plans I've made for an unsure future.

Fortunately, I have a few long time friends who are on paths like mine, seeking their own purpose and a greater sense of fulfillment in life.  Going through this together, though each at a different pace and with very different aspirations, allows us to relate to each other in new ways that are richer, more meaningful, and more supportive. These special friendships are growing deeper and the foundation stronger as our lives move forward and we manifest a new kind of reality.

I am also fortunate that there are new people in my life who know me only for who I've become since my transformation began.  Now, when I meet people, I am connecting on a deeper level and in a new way.  They see me and know me for who I am behind the cloud of my ego because my authenticity is shining through brighter than ever. I am drawing in like minded people who understand the importance of living in personal integrity; who know what it takes to make themselves happy and thrive.  This energy is contagious and the more of these people I surround myself with, the stronger I feel.  The more of us who come together, the more powerful and widespread this new way of living and thinking becomes and that excites me.  I feel a little like we are a group of pioneers in a time when people around the world are coming into deeper consciousness and beginning to understand themselves and their dreams like never before.  People like us are going out to test the waters and test the boundaries of this kind of life and are happy and thrilled to do it...because once we succeed, there will be more.  People in our lives will see our success and our lives full of passion and follow in our footsteps.

This is my process.  My evolution into a more authentic, conscious individual involves many ups and downs.  For all the lost connections, I have gained many astounding teachers and a confidence in my convictions.  Among many things, I have learned how to turn inward for solace and answers to my ego's scary questions.  My own depth of wisdom increases with this kind of growth and, although I know I will never stop having doubts, I also know I will never again be blind to my true aspirations and all the possibilities that life has to offer.



Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Running in Place

In January, my tenants moved out and I found myself back in my home in Los Angeles to facilitate its sale and plan for the next chapter of my life.  Being here in the place I started when I began my transition feels a lot like running in place.  I know this is a necessary part of my process, which calls for me to fully let go of my home in order to make room for and move on with my new life, but it feels like a step backwards.  The most frustrating part of it has been the tendency to fall back into old routines and  feeling drawn to those old wants, needs, and desires that, in reality, I no longer identify with.  It has been difficult being a changed person in an old, familiar set of circumstances; ones I thought I'd left behind.

Relinquishing my home has been a surprisingly emotional process. It is a place I used to see a future for myself and an investment that represented safety and security.  Because I no longer see my future or security here, I am no longer able to connect to the home that I love.  It's like breaking up with someone you will always hold a place in your heart for, maybe even love, but who you know is not the right fit for you.  It's the right choice, but ending it is no less painful.

It helps me to look at the freedom on the other side of the break up.  I am formulating a plan that feels more solid every day, a plan that's different from anything I've ever done before.  As excited as I am about my plan though, it's equally daunting and scary.  I have days when I look at my beautiful home and the beautiful things I've accumulated and ask myself,  "why I am giving up all of this for the unknown? What if I fail?  What am I doing with my life?!"  At these moments I have to take a deep breath and a step back and remember some advice I got recently.  "Remember, you are choosing this."  This is a choice.  I am choosing freedom over the safety of the home and career I have built over the last decade.  I am choosing my dreams over a career I have developed to pay the mortgage.  I am choosing beauty, trees, and the sea over a condo in a desirable neighborhood with a low crime rate in a good school district.  I am choosing to really live my life and not settling for an existence and future I know.

This risk I'm taking going into the unknown may lead to failure.  There is a chance though, that it leads to success and that is what drives me.  Success met overcoming the challenges I will face will be even sweeter than any I have achieved to this point.  I know what the rewards look like behind the door of the known.  I have reaped them and I am unfulfilled.  "If you really, really want to change and try something new, you need to actually try something new." he said.

I try to remember that in truth, there is nothing for me to lose in pursuing the dream that is pulling at me so strongly.  Money comes and goes, the things I posses are just things.  I have worked so hard to get to this place of freedom and I am so close.  In taking these steps backwards, I realize just how far I've come. Transformation is not easy or everyone would choose it.  It is a long, sometimes painful, but immensely gratifying process and it must be done from a place in the heart where dreams and passion are held.  I will continue to trust the guidance I receive from that place and keep moving forward, even if for now it feels like I'm running in place.