Sunday, April 30, 2017

Marriage: About Face and Getting in Line

For months I have been struggling with a skin condition on my face that is dry, rashy, itchy and painful. It is unsightly and impossible to conceal. The medication I'm using for this unidentifiable condition is dangerous and uncomfortable, but necessary to keep it at bay. Often, I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like someone doused my face in kerosene and lit me on fire.

Knowing what I know of a holistic approach to illness and disease, I am aware that there is an underlying current of emotional and spiritual release that needs to happen before I can escape the burden of this illness (forgive my dramatic language, I've been reading too many romantic Tudor era novels). Anyway, I have not yet been able to identify the root of this underlying emotional suppression...until today, I think.

My skin condition began in December. I have been racking my brain for weeks trying to figure out what changed in my diet or routine that could have triggered this thing. And then today, I pulled a book off my shelf by Louise Hay called "You can Heal Your Life". In this book, Hay lists hundreds of illnesses and conditions and their possible underlying emotional and/or spiritual roots. I turned to the section under "skin" and read:

"Our skin represents our individuality. Skin problems usually mean we fear our individuality is being threatened somehow. We feel that others have power over us. We are thin-skinned. Things get under our skin, we feel skinned alive, our nerves are right under our skin."

I need look no further. We set our wedding date in December.

Marriage must be the single, greatest threat to our spirit of individuality and independence...qualities that have always been such a strong part of who I am. I have been an independent soul since before I can establish or remember; I was always this way and became a very strong and fiercely independent woman over the course of my single life.

Going into my marriage in September of this year, I find that I am struggling between maintaining my strong sense of self and merging it with the established person I am in my relationship with my fiancé. I'm also negotiating into the mix the example of my mother that I saw in relationship with my father (however dysfunctional that was, it's the most prominent example of marriage any of us has). It is all so new to me and so foreign and I'm realizing only now, only today just how BIG this transition of self truly is. It's no wonder my body is reacting and my emotions are in a constant state of flux! It's no wonder that for the last few months I've felt off-center and out of balance. After all, I've spent 35 years becoming my own woman and only two years becoming someone else's....

But all of this is ok...I trust it. I have been calling in this change and preparing for this relationship for a long time. He is the right person and we are building beautiful things together...a beautiful life together.

Leading up to our wedding, I just need to make sure I am paying attention and being fully present with my feelings and emotions. I need to recognize and acknowledge them and enjoy the change and transition. After all, this is truly an evolution and growth into a relationship that is bigger and better than the individual me. It is a relationship that expands my source for happiness, opportunity and vibrancy in life. There is no question I welcome that expanded state of love and being and am so excited to be moving toward it. And now that I have identified that sentiment...maybe my skin will get in line? Stay tuned!

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