A Home and a Life in Transition

I listened to a Deepak Chopra meditation today about how our outer worlds reflect our inner worlds. Looking around at my own outer world I had to laugh.  It's dead on.  It is a home in transition.  I am a woman in transition.  It is a perfect match.  Well said Deepak.

My artwork has all been taken off the walls, neatly packed, and is resting on the dining room table.  The curtain rods are leaning against the kitchen wall, their hardware in baggies taped to the sides.  The curtains themselves have been washed and folded and are also on the dining table waiting to be boxed up.  There are two big piles on the floor, one of things to give away and one of things to take with me.  There is a bookshelf disassembled on the floor in the living room waiting to be picked up and taken to its new home.  There are about 20 wine glasses on the counter from my 30th birthday party in wine country that, though sentimental, won't justify the real estate in the downsized cupboards of my future.

Looking around my home today, I realized I'm not sad or scared anymore.  The grace and ease of this transition have replaced the fear and sadness with a sense of calm, peace, and  patience.  As soon as the timing is right I'll be free to move on from here and onto a simpler life with less stuff and fewer ties.

Yes, I am a woman in transition and this is a home in transition.  It's not clutter, it's not chaos, it's simply me and my home transitioning; me to a new home and it toward a new occupant.  My mind is clear, my intentions are set, and with each piece of furniture I sell I feel better, lighter, freer.  It's thrilling really.  It means I'm getting closer and closer to my new life and to new experiences.  I'm coming to the end of one chapter and anxiously anticipating the next.

Disconnected

A few interactions lately have left me feeling completely disconnected from the people in my life.  It seems the further along I travel on the path to my true purpose, the fewer people on the old path can relate to me or understand what I'm trying to do or where I'm trying to go.  This goes back to the previous post when I talked about being a new person in an old set of circumstances.  I'm surrounded by people who only knew how to connect with the person I was when my ego controlled my identity.  Sadly, I'm realizing that they were more comfortable with me then.  Now they look at me like I've gone off the deep end when I talk to them about my life.  These interactions create all kinds of self doubt and I begin wondering how I became so far removed from the desires and reality of the general populace.  When I have these conversations, my ego subtly creeps into my consciousness and starts asking me scary questions like, "What's wrong with you that you all the sudden don't want the same things in life as everyone else?"  The whole experience exhausts me emotionally and I end up in a downward spiral, questioning myself and my motivations and the plans I've made for an unsure future.

Fortunately, I have a few long time friends who are on paths like mine, seeking their own purpose and a greater sense of fulfillment in life.  Going through this together, though each at a different pace and with very different aspirations, allows us to relate to each other in new ways that are richer, more meaningful, and more supportive. These special friendships are growing deeper and the foundation stronger as our lives move forward and we manifest a new kind of reality.

I am also fortunate that there are new people in my life who know me only for who I've become since my transformation began.  Now, when I meet people, I am connecting on a deeper level and in a new way.  They see me and know me for who I am behind the cloud of my ego because my authenticity is shining through brighter than ever. I am drawing in like minded people who understand the importance of living in personal integrity; who know what it takes to make themselves happy and thrive.  This energy is contagious and the more of these people I surround myself with, the stronger I feel.  The more of us who come together, the more powerful and widespread this new way of living and thinking becomes and that excites me.  I feel a little like we are a group of pioneers in a time when people around the world are coming into deeper consciousness and beginning to understand themselves and their dreams like never before.  People like us are going out to test the waters and test the boundaries of this kind of life and are happy and thrilled to do it...because once we succeed, there will be more.  People in our lives will see our success and our lives full of passion and follow in our footsteps.

This is my process.  My evolution into a more authentic, conscious individual involves many ups and downs.  For all the lost connections, I have gained many astounding teachers and a confidence in my convictions.  Among many things, I have learned how to turn inward for solace and answers to my ego's scary questions.  My own depth of wisdom increases with this kind of growth and, although I know I will never stop having doubts, I also know I will never again be blind to my true aspirations and all the possibilities that life has to offer.

Running in Place

In January, my tenants moved out and I found myself back in my home in Los Angeles to facilitate its sale and plan for the next chapter of my life.  Being here in the place I started when I began my transition feels a lot like running in place.  I know this is a necessary part of my process, which calls for me to fully let go of my home in order to make room for and move on with my new life, but it feels like a step backwards.  The most frustrating part of it has been the tendency to fall back into old routines and  feeling drawn to those old wants, needs, and desires that, in reality, I no longer identify with.  It has been difficult being a changed person in an old, familiar set of circumstances; ones I thought I'd left behind.

Relinquishing my home has been a surprisingly emotional process. It is a place I used to see a future for myself and an investment that represented safety and security.  Because I no longer see my future or security here, I am no longer able to connect to the home that I love.  It's like breaking up with someone you will always hold a place in your heart for, maybe even love, but who you know is not the right fit for you.  It's the right choice, but ending it is no less painful.

It helps me to look at the freedom on the other side of the break up.  I am formulating a plan that feels more solid every day, a plan that's different from anything I've ever done before.  As excited as I am about my plan though, it's equally daunting and scary.  I have days when I look at my beautiful home and the beautiful things I've accumulated and ask myself,  "why I am giving up all of this for the unknown? What if I fail?  What am I doing with my life?!"  At these moments I have to take a deep breath and a step back and remember some advice I got recently.  "Remember, you are choosing this."  This is a choice.  I am choosing freedom over the safety of the home and career I have built over the last decade.  I am choosing my dreams over a career I have developed to pay the mortgage.  I am choosing beauty, trees, and the sea over a condo in a desirable neighborhood with a low crime rate in a good school district.  I am choosing to really live my life and not settling for an existence and future I know.

This risk I'm taking going into the unknown may lead to failure.  There is a chance though, that it leads to success and that is what drives me.  Success met overcoming the challenges I will face will be even sweeter than any I have achieved to this point.  I know what the rewards look like behind the door of the known.  I have reaped them and I am unfulfilled.  "If you really, really want to change and try something new, you need to actually try something new." he said.

I try to remember that in truth, there is nothing for me to lose in pursuing the dream that is pulling at me so strongly.  Money comes and goes, the things I posses are just things.  I have worked so hard to get to this place of freedom and I am so close.  In taking these steps backwards, I realize just how far I've come. Transformation is not easy or everyone would choose it.  It is a long, sometimes painful, but immensely gratifying process and it must be done from a place in the heart where dreams and passion are held.  I will continue to trust the guidance I receive from that place and keep moving forward, even if for now it feels like I'm running in place.

A Time for Reflection & Growth

Today is my birthday.  I feel fortunate that my birthday comes along with the fresh start of every New Year.  As an adult, I have come to appreciate this and take advantage of that opportunity to check in with myself and look at how far I’ve come, not only in the scope of a new year, but also in the greater scope of my own life.  

Our lives stack up so quickly and so densely that it’s necessary for us to look back at intervals after time has made sense of our experiences and removed us from the emotion and fog of it all.  Every year we take on new responsibility and obligations.  We meet new people and have new relationships; we also mourn the loss of people and relationships, and alternately welcome and resist change.  As beings in constant motion, experiencing things on both physical and emotional levels, it’s rare that we take time to sit still and reflect and recognize our process and acknowledge our progress.  When we do take time to do this at the beginning of each year, it’s important to look at these experiences objectively and not to judge anything we did as a mistake or a misstep.  Everything positive and negative we go through leads to a bigger bank of knowledge about ourselves and the world and helps us evolve and make better and better choices moving forward. 

It helps to consider that we often don’t notice the little changes a thing takes to grow, be it a child, or a pet, or a plant.  But to an outsider looking in who only sees that progress intermittently, the small changes along the way contribute to a great body of change over a period of months or years.  Our lives and our personal progress work like that too.  When I think about all the little changes I made over the course of this year that stacked up to put me here in this time and place under an entirely different set of circumstances than the year before, the progress I made, though it didn’t feel like it along the way, was quite significant. 

Like most people, I think, I tend to get wrapped up in the discomfort of a moment or a series of moments and it’s hard to see the big picture and see that the moments of discomfort I’m feeling during this period of great change are actually baby steps in the right direction; a direction that will take me to my end goal, a life where I get to live my dreams and my passions.  So instead of looking at the discomfort in these moments as obstacles or challenges and dwelling on the sense of unease they create, I need to start looking at them as growing pains.  Instead of feeling down or sad or impatient that I’m not exactly where I want to be right now, I need to appreciate that these moments are exactly what I need to be going through in order to experience expansion.

So now, I set my intentions for a year full of surprises and gifts, challenges and knowledge.  I will leave behind my fear, anxiety, stress, and worry over the unknown and choose to embrace it instead.  I will leave behind my unhealthy attachments and create a life of freedom, choices, and adventure. 

Happy New Year!

Freefall

2012 has been a rebuilding year for me.  I took my life, turned it upside down, shook everything out, and I'm here now at the end of that exhausting but gratifying process having collected only the pieces of that life I'm prepared to take with me into the future.  I've divested myself in a way that leaves me light enough to travel and it feels good and it feels terrifying.  My poor cat seems a little nervous as well, though fortunately she doesn't have the mechanism to be contemplating her own future.  

For the first time in my life, I am stepping out into life's freefall and the exhilaration is trying to hold out over the fear.  Thus far it's been a winning battle, but now that Christmas is past and the new year and real life are quickly approaching, it's taking a more concentrated effort to overcome that fear.  

In the end, fear is what holds us back from our most passionate dreams and aspirations.  It's important to take a good, long look at that fear and ask yourself what it is that you're so afraid of.  For me, when I get to the root of that irrational fear, I overcome some sort of block every time.  That block is there to help the ego hold us back and since I have learned to recognize it, I have been able to get in touch with my fear faster and more effectively.

So what am I afraid of?  What is the fear building up inside of me at this moment making me second guess all the preparations I've made to be standing at this scenic jumping off point?  When I close my eyes and tune into my body, my heart feels at peace.  The fear, the anxiety, and the discomfort is all in my mind.  My head feels heavy and cloudy and unable to come up with a decision on the easiest choice points.  Knowing that this fear is in my head, in my mind, and feeling that warm peace in my heart, I can begin to pull out each irrational fear, look at it, and confidently divest myself of it, just as I have divested myself of all the other things in my life this year that do not serve me.  

Packing for the Next Leg of my Life Journey

Upon my return to the states a few weeks ago after 3 months abroad, I was confronted with the reality that I needed to regroup, visit my west coast storage unit, and prepare for an altogether different kind of journey.  I needed to prepare for an open ended kind of journey, one in which I had no idea how long I'd be gone, what kind of climate I'd be in, what I'd be doing for a living, who I'd meet or see along the way.  It's a unique experience to pack for the unknown.  It's one I welcomed with open and excited arms.

After a few days reflecting on the process ahead, I decided I needed to make a list.  Not the kind of list you immediately think of that includes things like 2 pairs of jeans, 5 t-shirts, travel hair dryer, lots of chapstick...I know all of that by heart at this point.  What I needed to list, were the kinds of experiences I needed to pack for and a list of the traits I wanted to embody with the items I packed.  I decided that everything I packed and, just as importantly, everything I left behind, must  fit the new ideal vision I had for my life.  And so I created my list of experiences to pack for.  It's in my journal and it looks like this:

Warmth
Love
Fun
Writing
Flexibility
Travel
Surrender
Spirituality
Yoga
Learning
Challenges
Inspiration
New Relationships
Peace
Happiness
Abundance
Adventure

My second list is titled And Who do I Want to Be? It looks like this:

Feminine
Kind
Loving
Honest
Healthy
Nurturing
Affectionate
Warm
Sexy
Smart
Clever
Funny
Adventurous

Every piece of clothing, every accessory, every token and trinket I packed into my two bags was chosen with care and careful consideration for the intended road ahead.  Every piece fits one of these intentions for my journey.  I want to feel and chase every single one of my new dreams.  I plan to be very deliberate and have strong intentions for the moves I make now, and with the items and pieces of me I have packed, I feel fully prepared.

New Beginnings

Last year, right about this time, my biggest intention in life was to be exactly where I sit today, living a life of freedom and of choices. I went from living in a condo in LA and working jobs I didn't enjoy to pay my mortgage, to living out of bi-coastal storage units. I am traveling light these days and come January, for the first time in my life, I have no plan.  I can go wherever, whenever I like and I have no ties that bind.  It's an exhilarating feeling that is a force for my type A ego to reckon with.

I spent the last 3 months on the road in New Mexico, Fiji, Tasmania, and New Zealand working a contract job that was a perfect jumping off point for my desired lifestyle.  I've traveled like this before for my work, but this time when I left for my travels, I began knowing this was a start to a new way of life and I really leaned into it like I never have before.  I had no home or apartment to come back to, I didn't live anywhere except where I happened to be staying at that moment.  I began to feel more at home on the road, healthier, happier, and more at peace than I do when I land in Los Angeles or New York or Kansas City...anywhere people ask me what my "plan" is.  I have no plan.  My plan is no plan!  I find people don't like it when I tell them that; they get scared.  They not only get scared for me, I think deep down they get scared that they gave up the ability to have "no plan" somewhere along the way.  The truth is, if you live in the moment, looking at every day, every hour, every minute, as an opportunity to think outside the box and to get creative with even the smallest, most insignificant decisions, you too can claim the "no plan" agenda and see where the year, month, week, day or the hour takes you.